cringing, gutless wonder

hides in the gutter, chooses the known evil over change

i haven't posted a lot lately, for a couple of reasons.

the first is that i've been working on MG's website, trying to get it updated - and to make it easier to update. since his birthday was coming up (was saturday :) i figured being 6-8 months behind on photos was bad. so in honour of his turning 2, i wanted to be ready. this took a bit of time, as i switched software and completely redesigned the whole thing - couldn't find anything i liked of course. so, not that's done, and i'm only behind on photos by 3 months... but now it's a snap to update. (ok, faster & easier, but i still have to find some time - just not as much).

the second is, i haven't had much to post about. well, that i wasn't afraid of getting fired posting about.

here's the short version:
1) not too Happy with my life (yes, i capitilized. think about that)
2) work is currently the major contributing factor to this
3) i am a gutless dog whining in the gutter, and do not have the courage (nay, balls of steel) required to walk and find another job. this one get's subclass reasons:

1. it's a rut, but a rut with a paycheck - and even though it needs to be a bit more to get past just survival, it keeps the 3 of us, mortgage, and vehicles decently. it's tight enough, to cause panic attacks thinking about being jobless to be honest
2. it's no different anywhere else. it just takes different lengths of time for the bullshit to show up.
   
3. part of that is me. or at least, the way i choose to perceive and handle things.

it's the last one that i'd like to believe is the main reason. usually it's because work lacks challenge and i get bored (never a problem here). here, there's other reasons, but when i compare it to other place i've been - i start to see a pattern develop.

one of the best work times i had, was when i found that mystic place - the job didn't change, but the way i approached and thought about it did. and my last 6 months there were good. almost great.

i started working on it after christmas - when i had the whole middle of the night laying awake perspective ephiphany after the week of mopping up vomit (see previous post). and then this major project blindsided me, and after 8 months of saying i wanted no involvement, i wound up involved. worse.... i took ownership. so i just had a chat after the latest fiasco reared it's head, and told my manager that i couldn't cope with owning this nightmare and all of the manical changes by whim. i'll come in, do my work, take my lunch, so more work, and then go home.

it went over better than you think it may have. so now, i'll try to just ride it out. and see if i can maintain that headspace.

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images taken from:
amsterdam dog image: http://www.chemist-engineer.com/personal/2004/europeads/