reflections.....

sorry folks, probably not much of interest. feel free to move along when you get bored.

I had the thought cross my mind, that i am really not sure i fit in the whole blogger culture. i read some fabulous blogs. good writers. scrap that - great writers. interesting, witty, charming, sharp people. Also people that must have time - to write so much, so well, and then to keep up with replies to the comments. joe. deb. okami. even my buddy litotes has some crazy demons to expunge when time permits.

i... well.... don't. i have technology issues. these appear to get in the way of my blogging. don't get me wrong, not that i don't like technology. let me explain.....

work in information technology as a tech. problem solver. good problem solver. so, as a result, i get the really nightmare stuff. carry what i refer to as 'the leash from hell'. if you've ever had a blackberry, you will understand. for the others, it's referred to as a crackberry. instant e-mail & voice contact. i hate it, yet find myself jonesing for a fix for the first 3 or 4 days of a holiday. it's nasty. approaching the job i had 2 pagers and a cell phone for.

work gets in the way of my having time, or a life. trust me, i don't joke. day's are a non-stop nightmare leading to overtime and uber-stress.

i have enough trouble finding time to live vicariously by reading good blogs. i have trouble bringing myself to turn my computer on to check mail when i get home. i do woodworking by hand to get away from any technology in my free time, or as least as reasonable an amount as i can.

the issue? i mean, besides what's obviously sanity related above.....

what good does it do?

i mean - you can keep in touch, with anyone, anywhere, almost instantly. and yet - i find most of the people i know are so busy, it becomes almost impossible. no more pony express delivery, across the ocean on a steamer, written by hand communication - and yet it would be as fast. sometimes faster.

it hit me the other day. and it depressed me. in order to stay in touch with all the ease there is - i have to book the time in my calendar, and pray it's not bumped by yet another meeting!? and i have a hell of a time making it happen.

ok, so i don't make friends easily. don't open up easily. i have problems connecting. could count the number of people i would call friends on one hand, and may have room leftover. this handful of people has partly dispersed around the globe. vancouver. la. dubai. try and remember to call someone in dubai during their day - i always seem to think about it at 2am their time. ehhhhh.... should i call anyway? ehhhh..... probably not.

ok. forget dubai. i have friends in the city i can't stay in touch with more often than 2 years apart.
argh. now i'm babbling, and i'm melancholy.

sigh. for all of you (and you know who you are) I MISS YOU. A LOT.

I'm trying. I'm just not that good at it......

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images:
'Missing You': http://www.customize.ru/wallpapers_others.html

my hands still smell.....

i'm sure that will raise some eyebrows. i'm one of those odd people, not sure if i'm blessed or cursed. i'm sort of a jack of all trades. i won't go so far as to say 'renaissance man' as i'd never really consider myself a scholar, or think i know a lot about a lot. more a student of life, and of necessity.

blessing? curse? how can you tell? it's sort of both i guess.

i graduated from an art college, after doing 5 years - partly design, mostly photography. that was pre-degree, so i have a 'diploma in visual arts, photographic arts'. had it been degree granting at the time (or should i ever have an interest in going back for an additional 6 courses) i could raise that to the commonly, lovingly referred to bfa. also better known as a bachelor of f*ck all. (no disrespect intended to those who have them and have worked hard to get there - but they don't count toward much on an employement side generally).

so now, i work in information technologies. supervisor in fact. 10 staff, 2000 clients, 4000 systems (2000 directly, the other 2000 we deal with repair. their mostly some other supervisor's nightmare ;) geek much? ummmmm... first computer was an 8086. i remember when a 20 mb hard drive was exceptionally large. wife has a computer. i have a computer. i have a spare computer. a backup. a spare backup. a mac. a fully wireless laptop. i'm currently waiting for my new 250gb hard drive to format, and hoping it will be large enough. but.... not lacking a life so much i am a unix sysadmin.

moving on......

oh yes, the smell. for those of you still hanging in there.

being a handy sort of guy, and a budget challenged sort of guy, i do most everything i can deal with. i pass on the stuff that is way out of my realm like replacing the gaskets on the headers in my car. my mechanic doesn't really want to touch it either. anyway.... the benefit of not being handy, is it only costs you money. no time. no mess. that's all someone else's problem. but as i said.... cursed.....

argh. noticed a slight puddle of water around the base of the toilet. about 2 years ago i gutted the washroom completely - new floor, drywall, tub, surround, toilet, pedestal sink, the works. all has been well. and now.... the dreaded leak. and no, it really was water - not the results of a poorly aimed "leak". keep an eye on it, wait for the weekend. have to work around a 45 minute commute, kid's schedule, and being able to sleep. wouldn't you know it... it does get worse. so much for hoping it's spilled water.

comes the weekend, and the dismantling of said crapper. the news is puzzling - the new fangled toilet seal i used is holding up great. no buildup under the base, or around the flange. in fact, it's pretty clean (if such things can be said to be clean). ok - hazztabe the seal betwixt the tank and the bowl. check the seal - it's become porus and is full of water. defintely the issue.

clean the floor, clean the toilet. yank out anything reachable that may later cause a problem. hit the hardware store for a new seal and some real brass bolts instead of this cheap shit that has already started to rust near unremovable. reassemble the whole thing. reclean the toilet.

and notice 2 hours later, it's still leaking!?! sonnofab and remember my 2 year old is sitting there watching me. deeeeeeep breath. release.

look closely. yup, i can see where the water is seeping along the seal area, and dripping to the floor from the bottom of the tank. argh. turn off the water. redrain the tank. change the spud seal to my spare (yes... it's not just computers). realign everything. tighten everything. seriously tight.

you know my 'favourite' thing about toilets? it's the instructions that say "tighten, but do not overtighten as you may crack the porcelin". i have yet to figure out how you determine that point. hmmmmm.... feels ok, but is it tight enough? crank. still not sure! crank. must be just about there... i'll give it one more crack# ah.... there it is. the point of no return. i would however like to say that i have never reached it. but i worry.

and the verdict? clean toilet - superscrubbed inside and out twice. no leak. no more rocking (got around to shimming it this time).

but my hands? it's been a week, and i swear i can still smell, well, you know... that smell.

maybe macbeth wasn't crazy. maybe he was just a plumber.

toilet links:

• the world's first see through public toilet
  
• the toilet snorkel
• the toilet seat museum
• toilet training your cat
• how stuff works: toilet
• squirt toilet seat
• training toilet paper
• wind surfer toilet bowl cleaner
  

...and your mom told you the internet was useless!

the weekend...

wow. what a way to bookend a weekend.

thursday i took down a post i had put up, as it involved my neice having gone missing. in the end, i was unfortuneately correct with my guess, but still.... big enough city. abduction. rape. lots of bad shit happens these days. to be honest, I had my hunch, but still... feared for the worst.

i'll admit, it actually scared the shit out of me. ok... so there's some history of attitude and rebelliousness. and i don't stay in touch as much as i should - so i don't really know what's going on at home. frankly - i don't think it's really my business.

but, i don't understand (and don't try and explain it to me if you think i just don't "get it", i know i don't) why she would choose to run away. you got it - organized it with some other friends via msn, and a bunch of them ran away one night. hunch confirmed. now i know times are hard, and there's a lot of pressure, but c'mon now.... in this day and age, that is insanely stupid.

you want to cause your folks some worry - you camp at a friends place to piss them off. safely. leave them a note. give them something. i doubt you would find many parents who would shrug, say 'good riddance' and do nothing. fabulous. way to rebel - i hate you, so i'm going to go get myself killed. fanfuckingtastic.

so, i'm glad i was right, but kind of dissapointed too. hell, i would have hid her for a couple days. i've been there, thought about it, thought past it.... (i'm the responsible type - don't explain it, because i'll never understand). please, just pull your head out of your ass before you make decisions like that.

anyway, she's safe. she was spotted by the folks in a mall, standing next to a cop, in handcuffs. i'm pretty sure that'll be an interesting story on it's own.


now, fast forward to this morning, as i'm leaving for work. go through the standard rituals. hug the little one. shake his hand. give him a kiss on his head.

and the little tike blows me a kiss. the first one he's ever done.
mmmmmmmpkwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahoooooooooooo.

yes, maybe a little saccharine for monday, but at least i can smile with the realization i have another 12 years or so before i have to worry about the great start to the weekend.

at least i hope for another 12.

cringing, gutless wonder

hides in the gutter, chooses the known evil over change

i haven't posted a lot lately, for a couple of reasons.

the first is that i've been working on MG's website, trying to get it updated - and to make it easier to update. since his birthday was coming up (was saturday :) i figured being 6-8 months behind on photos was bad. so in honour of his turning 2, i wanted to be ready. this took a bit of time, as i switched software and completely redesigned the whole thing - couldn't find anything i liked of course. so, not that's done, and i'm only behind on photos by 3 months... but now it's a snap to update. (ok, faster & easier, but i still have to find some time - just not as much).

the second is, i haven't had much to post about. well, that i wasn't afraid of getting fired posting about.

here's the short version:
1) not too Happy with my life (yes, i capitilized. think about that)
2) work is currently the major contributing factor to this
3) i am a gutless dog whining in the gutter, and do not have the courage (nay, balls of steel) required to walk and find another job. this one get's subclass reasons:

1. it's a rut, but a rut with a paycheck - and even though it needs to be a bit more to get past just survival, it keeps the 3 of us, mortgage, and vehicles decently. it's tight enough, to cause panic attacks thinking about being jobless to be honest
2. it's no different anywhere else. it just takes different lengths of time for the bullshit to show up.
   
3. part of that is me. or at least, the way i choose to perceive and handle things.

it's the last one that i'd like to believe is the main reason. usually it's because work lacks challenge and i get bored (never a problem here). here, there's other reasons, but when i compare it to other place i've been - i start to see a pattern develop.

one of the best work times i had, was when i found that mystic place - the job didn't change, but the way i approached and thought about it did. and my last 6 months there were good. almost great.

i started working on it after christmas - when i had the whole middle of the night laying awake perspective ephiphany after the week of mopping up vomit (see previous post). and then this major project blindsided me, and after 8 months of saying i wanted no involvement, i wound up involved. worse.... i took ownership. so i just had a chat after the latest fiasco reared it's head, and told my manager that i couldn't cope with owning this nightmare and all of the manical changes by whim. i'll come in, do my work, take my lunch, so more work, and then go home.

it went over better than you think it may have. so now, i'll try to just ride it out. and see if i can maintain that headspace.

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images taken from:
amsterdam dog image: http://www.chemist-engineer.com/personal/2004/europeads/

short

was a 13 hour day, and i need to seriously re-evaluate where work stands in my life. tired, but trying to get / stay in the habit of saying / thinking something daily.

so, here it is.....

"The truth is more important than the facts."
- Frank Lloyd Wright

ok. it's not mine, but i liked it. and found it somewhat appropriate.

library

things have been sort of hectic lately, and with what free time i have (with work causing some serious interruptions to personal time) i've been trying to revamp the kidlings website as his 2nd birthday approaches. holy shit - 2 years already. anyway.....

recently finished:

• rachael & leah (orson scott card): the third book of his 'women of genesis' series. which sort of irked me, because it's going to be four books - due to the necessity of having to split this particular story. it's a good series. no one breathes life into his characters like card does (ok, very very very few do). from his sci-fi to his biblical/historical stuff, i've read them all, and with the exception of his initial foray into the horror genre - i own them all. (for a first horror novel, it was pretty good, but i'll never go back and read it so i passed it on).
• pilgrim (timothy findley): ok, so here's a guy that rivals card for character development and believability. second book of his i've read that deals with psychotherapy. this one uses carl gustav jung as a main character. i thought it was brilliant, and disturbing, and loved it. however, i feel seriously behind the times, as this book is not his newest, and i found out he had passed away only recently. i started with 'not wanted on the voyage', and haven't been able to get enough findley. great stuff

recently started:

• the carnivorous carnival, book the ninth (the lemony snicket)
• accordian crimes (annie proulx) - you may recognize the name from 'the shipping news'

recently watched:
ok... this is kind of a sad area - nothing really new, as i've been tossing in old stuff i've watched because i'm not really paying attention to it - sort of background with the whole web thing happening. so... there will be a list, but no commentary (or at least not much) for the stuff i've watched since the last library post.

• chocolat: great movie. love depp. were i prone to such things, i might cry everytime i watch it. as i'm not, i just crave chocolate.
  
• the corpse bride: burton rocks. fabulous movie. original, but sort of comes across a bit 'nightmare before christmas' - this is due to the style it's done in. classic elfman songs and score.
  
• the terminal: best role i've seen tom hanks in. freakin' brilliant movie. poignant and touching, but not stupidly. and it has stanley tucci & catherine zeta jones.
• cherish: a goofy romance movie about a woman accused of a crime she didn't commit. great 80's based soundtrack (assuming you like such things). i picked it up on a lark, and was thrilled with it. (did the same with a flick named 'jet lag' - and was just as thrilled)
• father's little dividend: the better half has a soft spot for old b&w movies. it was just that to me - and slightly amusing, but i didn't really pay much attention to this one. don't get me wrong - love some of them, but this was really fluff even back then. a sequel to the original 50's father of the bride.
  

the $200 pillow....

(see the history in my previous post, the russians.....)

so, i'm sure someone out there is asking.... how was it? what was a $200 pillow like to sleep on? wow... how well rested you must be.

have you ever played with memory foam? if you get the chance, touch one when you're out shopping and run across it. seriously - press on it. it's a bizarre feeling of pressure and give. i don't know how to explain it. you lay your head down, and it goes from firm to sinking in.

or maybe a better way to explain it is when you roll over, it's sort of like smacking your head into wet cement and sinking in. repeatedly.

and maybe that's just me. or maybe it's because i'm a light sleeper at the best of times. or because i'm restless. or it may just be this brand, because i didn't mind the last one i tried, and i'm pretty sure it was memory foam too.

a little research reveals there are 3 grades of memory foam - the 3rd grade being the densest. i talked to someone that described grade 3 as turning and hitting a brick wall whilst sleeping. i'm pretty sure i can say this was a grade 3 pillow.

how restless? let's say you may just have met the only guy who is capable of stealing the sheets. not the blankets - i let the better half steal those. but in the morning, i have almost all of that flat sheet, and pretty a minimum of the blankets. figure that one out.

but i kept waking up when i rolled over because of the resistance. it would sort of startle me awake a little. but don't get me wrong... if you sleep in mostly one position, or sleep deeply, this is a comfortable pillow. it's just not for me i guess. and i gave it 4 nights, some of which i was extremely exhausted, and... continued to fight the pillow. not to mention this morning i had a massive headache.

think that's ok, in the end... as it sort of frightened my wallet. so..... on to round 3.

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image credit:
she's having trouble sleeping by poor atlas (john davey)
http://www.macjams.com/song/12268
www.macjams.com/filemgmt_data/smaps/12268_grass_head.jpg

library

recently finished:

• the hostile hospital, book the eighth (lemony snicket): i was amused. maybe it's because i forgot i had pulled this one out a month ago, and it has sat hidden under a pile of miscellany until yesterday. maybe it's because i was tired to the point of exhausted and had trouble seeing straight. it seemed less forced that the last one - probably my imagination. still... amused.
• the scroll of saqqara (pauline gedge): gag. i've been a big pauline gedge fan since she started: child of the morning, the eagle and the raven, stargate. this one was monotonous, and in many places worse than a harlequin romance novel. the saving grace is the vast amount of research she does - so you know at least the placement, family lines, etc are pretty much as accurate as possible. the plot was thin - and easy to figure out early in the book. this one, was my upstairs washroom book for about 2 months. i almost didn't bother finishing it.

recently watched:

• fun with dick and jane (jim carrey, tia leoni; remake of a '77 film): will own this one. saw it in "cheap" theatre (i assume these are universal? cut rate 2nd class theatres that show movies for half or less than the standard chain?) laugh out loud funny. laughed so hard in parts, i missed dialogue. in the style of liar liar, but a better blend of physical/slaptick and humour comedy. better than bruce almighty (mostly because it's a little less guy based penis joke style humour). didn't realize it was a remake, but should have guessed when i saw mordecai richler's name in the screenwriter credits.
• skeleton key: renter. like most of my movies, i own it because it was cheaper than seeing it in the theatre. it was decent, and even though i had most of the plot figured out, it did through a couple of twists. besides, i like kate hudson. she's a cutie and a decent actress. a nice gothic style horror flick, with some pretty creepy stuff in areas. not a slash and gore, nor an 'edge of my seat' thriller, but still solid. watch it again? when the right night &/or mood hits. it will most likely survive a thinning when i get around to it.

the russians.....

i got tired of waking up with my fingers tingling, and my thumb trembling, with me having no control over it. to be honest, the tingly fingers weren't too bad - it always went away fairly quickly, and i knew i had probably just slept slightly wrong. the random 30-60 second trembling thumb did sort of freak me out a bit though.

so i started with some physio, on the prescription of my doctor. things were going well, until i pinched the radial nerve of the other arm. so then i was doing chiropractic visits, and physio. great.

so 3 weeks go by, and the pinched nerve isn't solved, but seems to have finally stabilized - i'm down to a slightly sore arm (area depends on the shoulder condition) and some numb-ish to tingling fingertips.

both of them agree on how it happened at least. slept wrong. i have a tendency to tuck my arm under my head - which means my pillow isn't properly supporting my head.

no surpirse. i haven't found a pillow i thought was comfortable yet. including the last one my chiropractor sold me - he swears by them (and oddly enough, my physiotherapist hates them). for anyone wondering - it's an orthopedic water filled pillow.

now, my physiotherapist, bless her heart, is on a mission to find me a comfortable pillow. because some of the specialty pillows cost a bit, she has a pillow loaner program. for 3 days, you can borrow and try one to see if you like it. (sorry to anyone that's cringing at the idea of a 'used' pillow under their head).

the latest one, is a $200 pillow. nasa technology. some variant of memory foam. two hundred dollars. a pillow. space technology? who gives a shit. $200 (ok... so that's $200 canadian, still!!!!) so, that got me to thinking about something.

makes me chuckle, and think about the jokes in the 80's about the $2000 us gov't hammers, $5000 toilet seats.... you know the joke, they used it in independance day.

the fisher space pen. the short version: nasa sends man into space. man needs to write reports. someone realizes, pens won't work in space - no gravity. (must have hired someone with a university edukashun - 'cause the alternate thought of having figured it out the hard way of trying one in space makes my head hurt). they poured (so i heard) millions into solving this dilema. the result - the fisher space pen. a pressurized ink canister based pen, with a ball point made of tungsten carbide - virtually indestructable.
the russians.... used a pencil. that's all of what, 20 cents?

i wonder if they have a similar solution for my pillow issue?


addendum:

ok.... i had my bubble burst a little, when i went to the fisher website, and found out it wasn't developed for the space program, just happened to come along at the right time. as various quotes from their site below fragment the highly amusing story i had always heard:

The cartridge was pressurized with nitrogen so that it didn't rely on gravity to
make it work. It was dependable in freezing cold and desert heat. It could also
write underwater and upside down.

Fisher's development couldn't have come at a more opportune time. The space race was on, and the astronauts involved in the Mercury and Gemini missions had been using pencils to take notes in space since standard ball points did not work in zero gravity.

They are still used on all manned space flights American and Russian.

ok.... so maybe the americans have a low tech solution for my pillow too ;)

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images:
ussr flag - snarfed from a images.google.com web search
pillow - snarfed from an e-bay search
fisher space pen: http://www.fisherpen.com/
http://www.geocities.com/arabsocialistcoalition/sovietflag.gif