did you know......

that refried beans, pretty much look the same going in one end as they do coming out the other?

however, they do:

1. provide a source of fibre
2. provide their own propulsion for expulsion

hmmm... perhaps i should have just title this post:

Mexican, perhaps not the best choice for a first meal after a 2 day stomach flu.....

good news, bad news, great news......

good news: they didn't find anything.

bad news: they didn't find anything. *

great news: the next time anyone asks "what's up your ass?" i can honestly tell them "nothing!"

*what it really means is that after a year and a half of trying to resolve this issue, they've run out of ideas. so that while they didn't find anything wrong, they still don't know what is wrong. or, better yet, due to the 3 month delay to get a consultation with a specialist and then a 4 month delay for the procedure, and then another month delay due to a booking issue (they booked a day the doctor wasn't in...... wow, that gives me faith) the problem has just silently corrected itself.

Oh joy.....

And so begins day 2.

The joy of yesterday started at 5pm. The joy subsided enough by 11pm I felt
safe to go to bed. Although I believe it's a programming or data processing
term, I believe GIGO applies here. Garbage in, garbage out.

Drink every 15 minutes, you know every 15 minutes.

Today's joy just started. First cup of pinapple nausa down the hatch. Blah.
Yesterday it took an hour to kick in. Not sure about today. Nothing but
liquid under high pressure now.

Yes virginia, I'd MUCH rather be at work.

Now if you'll excuse me.....

Time for glass #2. :/

the shits.....

warning!

this post contains spoilers......

• spoil your day
• spoil your appetite
• spoil your mood
  

my life. literally.

i'll warn you that you may wish to skip this.....
although knowing human nature, you likely won't.....
so i'll hint it, rather than be blatant.

"The day before...... you must be on a CLEAR LIQUID DIET for the whole day before your test."

• Colyte
• "Flavoured" - I'd like to point out they don't indicate what flavour
• Colon electrolyte preparation
• Non-medicinal ingredients: Magnasweet 185, pineapple flavour, and sodium saccharin.
• Clinical Pharmacology: Colyte cleanses the bowel by induction of diarrhea
• The rate of administration is 240 ml (8 oz / 1 cup) every 10 minutes. Rapid drinking of each portion is preferred rather than drinking small amounts continuously.
• Refrigerate the solution, as chilling improves the taste.
• 4 Litres

i'll leave the rest to your imagination.

chilling does not improve the taste. 2 litres in and the aftertaste is almost making me vomit.

i lied about not being blatant (look away now.... look away now.....) i understand the term "peeing out my ass" better than i ever wanted to.

warned you.

oh crap. have to run.

the score......

in this corner, 18 pounds of sucky, rub my tummy furball...... his name is xaos*. in this corner, well my weight ain't none of your damned business, but let's just say we're over 10x that of the cat.

but every once in a while, when i get deathly sick.... kitty seems to take the whole pack animal thing to heart. i come down with the cold from hell..... kitty gets a look in his eyes that says the leader is sick, he must die. and what ensues is 2 days of hissing and growling as he follows me around the house. i've had him chase me down the hall clawing my ankle one time. usually he gets banished to the library under his chair, and we exist in an uneasy truce.

and it's only me. my better half can walk into the room and pat his head, or scratch under his chin, and he'll purr and act like she's got tuna hidden somewhere on her. i walk into the room, and the ears go back, growling and the attack position ensues.

however, this time..... my son got in the way. the cat must have felt cornered - he leaped over the boy, landed sideways, and scrabbled to get his feet under him - scratching my son (and destroying his shirt).

so we had ourselves a little discussion about who was dominant male. i'll admit, at one point when i had the furry sonofabitch by the throat i wasn't thinking nice thoughts.

i'll tell you what an 18 lb cat is. he's one pound of fur, 3 pounds of teeth and nails, and 14 pounds of killing fury. i can honestly say that i may have won the battle, but i lost the war.


he got his back feet loose for 30 seconds. when i got his back feet back under control, i lost my hold on his neck. it's amazing how much an angry cat can maul you in a short time.

the next night he was curled up in my lap, purring as i rubbed his tummy. while i made plans to phone the doctor because while the scratches were ok, the bites above were already infected, and had that pleasant oozing, scabby look going on.

yes, those scratches are going to leave a scar. yes, the hand is ok.

no, i don't know who's dominant in this house. and no, i'm not really in the mood to put it to the test anytime soon.

*xaos, is the original greek form of 'chaos'. and just in case you're wondering, i do have a second cat. his name is confusion. when i say chaos and confusion rule the house - i'm not kidding.

the rubicon....

so.... the die is cast. i demanded to be demoted. it went fairly well i think - turns out it was somewhat expected. at least my direct supervisor didn't try to bullshit me. he admits it will take a long time to fix most of the reasons i am quitting this position over.

so i interviewed for another position - not one where i expected, but one i can live with. i've worked with the person who will be my new direct supervisor as an equal for 3 years now. the catch? well..... i'm "acting" supervisor until they can locate a replacement.

that's been a month now. officially, i changed positions on november 1st. what's changed? well.... nothing. as you can tell since i am sitting at work eating a re-re-reheated chicken chimichanga for dinner trying to meet a deadline some manager who went home at 4:30 picked.

happy? oh yeah... fucking ecstatic.

not to mention on top of cramming two major projects into a month, i now lose time in the interview process. yup... you guessed it - i'm expected to sit on interviews and help hire my replacement. the last 4 interview sets i went to, i was the only person to show up with a set of questions (which everyone then photocopied and took my best questions.)

is it smart having me on the hiring committee? maybe. sure, i'm responsible.... but i'm at the point of "breathing? can tie their own shoes? FUCK! what are you waiting for... hire them.

of course, i may have put them under the gun.... got the nag letter from human resources about overtime and holiday time that has to be used by the end of the year. so... i'll be gone during the month of december, and possibly january to boot to try and use all my time.

of course.... the fact that i'm sitting here earning time and a half on a project that has many more nights like this one isn't helping.

maybe i'll see everyone in march :)

if i don't have a stroke trying to get there :(

today....

after starting the day barely able to walk in the doors at work or keep myself together, much less discuss anything with a co-worker (and not feel like falling apart - indeed, almost falling apart publicly), i am much happier this evening.

more details will be forthcoming, once i am able to iron them out from possibility/probability to actuality.

(no pills were consumed in the production of said happiness.)

the person revealed....

i've been somewhat lost for a while. turns out as i randomly hit old journal entries that it has been more than a while. i've been lost pretty much forever.

what makes me tick? here's an old entry. verbatim.

July 10, 2001

gilbert

colton james morris

07.02.91 - 12.17.91

sec J blk 38

ten years. so hard to believe, that it's been 10 years already. so much time has passed, yet here i am still searching for myself. still lost. frustrated, unsure, frightened. what have i accomplished? or changed?

i sit here, in this melancholy place, and feel the presence of grief and sadness filter through the stillness. light wind blows through, breeze rustling the grass and the toy wind catchers. this section, reserved for newborns and small children is almost heart wrenching.

and what do i feel? a little sadness, but no one should be forced to live with such overwhelming disabilities. melancholy? a touch, for he was the son i never really knew. what i do feel, is a sense of grief for the tragedy, and a sense of irony.

and perhaps it is the feelings, the other feelings i harbour in relation to this event that are the ones that don't allow me to get beyond this point.

i have a sense of guilt for feeling them. for they are the ones others dictate i should not feel. anger. betrayed. frustration. rage. but why should they not have a place? they would had the child lived.

anger at myself, for letting myself be manipulated, for not making a stand as i should have. that was my worst mistake. not fighting for my own rights.

anger over my treatment. someone else deciding i should have the right to know, and then deciding i was no longer allowed to visit my own child. frustration that the rest of my family was allowed, but i was being manipulated out of revenge and pettiness.

rage for being told to stay away from the funeral. rage at myself for doing it.

and now? perhaps it was better, not knowing him well. closure? i think finally come when i last saw misty, and met her two kids. that was when i realized she had never moved on, never changed as a person. that she owned the problems, not i.

the judgements made over my actions coloured, overshadowed by their prejudices.

my guilt lay, lies still, in not standing up for myself. i know, but somehow have not yet learned fully, that the cost is infinitely higher than the consequences of taking a stand could ever be.

perhaps, that is what this lesson was all about. to finally come to terms with the fact that i do have the right. that i need to take a stand. and that i don't own anyone's problems unless i choose to. and that it's ok to choose not to.

after 10 years, perhaps i have finally brought this to a close. i feel a sense of peace about it now, and a sense of pity. the feeling of anger over it has lifted. and now, there is a little sadness, a little tragedy, and a sense of finality and closure.

it's not something i believe can ever be forgotten. nor should it. but i think it will now stop haunting.

happy 10^th birthday colton. i am sorry life was so short and painful for you. forgiving myself will bring us both a better measure of peace. you will not be forgotten.

the sad reality....

somehow, it strikes me as sad, that when my official day ends at 4:30 pm, that i am only now returning home at 10:00 pm.

another fabulous project. another wonderful cluster fuck from hell.

words are not enough.....

arm after the blood letting, er...
i mean blood tests.

feet of frodo. or, i used to have an
ankle on the right foot.

and i'll leave you with one parting thought.....
i'm tired of seeing the phrase "black, tarry stools" on the side effects list.

maybe words can be enough......

frustration....

these days i seem to measure the phases of my life by prescription and illness. it's getting frustrating. and i'm starting to lose my sense of humour over it all. especially when the tests all come back with indications that there is nothing major wrong.

so for those who are wondering how i've defined my life lately.... it starts with the major gout attack about 2 months back, and then continues in complications that seem to be related.

• gout attack
• swelling of the feat
• anemic, with extremely low blood count. seemingly caused by the drugs used to treat the gout.
• shortness of breath
• tiredness
  
• additional gout attack(s)
• continued anemia with a heavy iron supplement assisting in minor fashion
• unexplained serious swelling of the feet/legs for a long period of time. (this would be the latest.) possibly related to the arthritis. possibly related to the drug treatment(s).

test indicate nothing wrong - well, other than the anemia/iron deficiency. ecg says the heart is fine. x-rays say the lungs are clear, however they indicate a possible hiatus hernia. bloodwork rules out liver, kidneys, and thyroid. we'll skip the list of medications - it's not pretty.

monday will see ultrasound tests to make sure there are no clots or other complications in the legs. thursday will see an upper gi tract flouroscopy to find out if it is a hernia, and if there is internal bleeding.

i guess the doctor didn't see the humour when he asked if i knew what a hiatus hernia was, and i responded 'a hernia on a short leave?' oh well. he may be stymied, but at least he's worried.

with luck the reumatology clinic i'm scheduled for at the end of the month may have some answers.

really... that's all i want, is some answers. i'll be less whiny when i have some answers.

so for now, i'm stuck with my feet in the air, able to do nothing - feeling perfectly fine. other than looking like i stole frodo baggin's feet that is. with luck my life will become exciting as he drops by the house searching for them. maybe he'll bring gandolf (and whatever gandolf smokes to look so happy) with him.

i now return you to your much less depressing lives....

remiss....

i must admit, i've been remiss with my posting schedule. truth be told, there's not a lot to tell. which is not the same as not a lot going on.

work is insane, but there's no point in bitching about it. i've decided i don't hate my job. but i am frustrated by it, and there are things that are suckage to the nth degree, but it's a job. were it not a job, it would be fun. okay, so i'm not doing something i love (insert little popping hearts and cornball soundtrack here) but i need to figure out what that is.

ok, so my job is keeping me from figuring that out. whatever - that's more than enough about work.

other things are busy - took a couple of turning courses. more about those will be posted.

continue to have health complications. gout continues to be a problem. gout medication has turned into a problem. i'm anemic enough i should be dead. ironically i'm often told i look like i am dead. due to this, i'm somewhat lethargic and apathetic except when my boss uses a cattle prod. the work boss - but enough about work. and enough about health.

so what to talk about then? there's always the weather......

i know, a week out of date, and already done by others, but i was speaking with a work acquaintance who lives in toronto, and it made the front page of the newspaper. the last time i remember that happening was almost 20 years ago - when we had a chinook in february. the photo that ran on the front pages was a group of people out playing baseball in shorts and t-shirts, in february, in 2 feet of snow.

you'll understand when you see the photos.

so... the scenario. a pleasant wednesday, mid-may heading toward the end of may. nice and warm - about 12*C (54F). look out the window about 1:30 headed for bed - and notice it's snowing. lightly. wake up the next morning (thursday) - to 8 inches of snow. heavy snow. ugly snow. lots of tree damage throughout the city. shake the trees. shovel the sidewalk and the car. head to work. return home 9 hours later - to green grass. friday we're back to 18*C (64F).

from the front door leaving for work

what used to be a 10 foot hedge
(now about 3 feet)

branch that used to be about 12 feet above the slide
in the park next door

closer photo of the same park
(same day - about 9 hours later)

arrived home from work

i guess you could call our weather a forecast of huh? with some occasional flurries of wtf?!

haunted....

i find myself haunted. haunted by the funeral of someone i didn't know.

my brother-in-law's brother passed away last friday. although he and my sister have been together for many years, i don't believe i've ever met his brother. came close once, but something came up and he didn't make it to the family holiday dinner that round. from what i've heard, he was an extremely interesting man, and would have been someone to meet.

he had just turned 20.

but that's not what haunts me.

it was a jewish burial ceremony (yizkor). complicated because of the timing coinciding with passover. a simple coffin (not the one pictured above.) a large gathering of family and friends. recitation of the 23rd psalm in hebrew and english, recitation of the 1st psalm in hebrew and english, some words from the rabbi, remembrances by two friends, and then by the immediate family (sister, mother, brother). after this the 'community' who had gathered to mourn was asked to follow behind the casket on foot to the burial location.

the grave, is filled. by hand. as part of the ceremony.

unlike all of the nice detached christian based funerals i've gone too where the man of god says a few words, you symbolically scatter a small handful of dirt on the coffin, and everyone goes away while they typically lower and fill the grave afterwards. or at least variations on this.

not so here.

and just to add some perspective, other than the rabbi and the immediate family (3 people) - the rest of the approximately 130 attendees were gentiles.

6 shovels. the community of mourners is requested to help fill the grave. the shovels are not passed from hand to hand, but layed down and picked up again. the coffin was lowered. the mourners proceeded to shovel. about 1/3 of the mourners appeared to be too freaked out to participate. several were close friends, and became extremely involved in the process.

i stepped up and did my part. and it stays with you. physically being involved with the actual burial is something i've never experienced before. it has a finality that is unshakable. perhaps it is part of the mourning and grieving process - a catharsis of sorts. but it continues to haunt me. even now, several weeks after.

after the grave was filled, another psalm was recited, and due to the fact that it was the passover season, no funerary prayers were said. everyone was then free to depart. everyone gathered, visited, expressed condolences, and departed.

but i'm sure everyone that was there, has left touched and changed.

absence makes the heart grow fungus....

haven't had much to say. things are way to strange the last while. i find myself surrounded by illness and death.

i'm still struggling to recover from the acute gout attack. my doctor threw a massive prescription at it, and then extended it (and added another) when the swelling hadn't gone down after a week. a second week took care of most of it, however once i tapered off the prednesone, i've had some swelling come back. bad enough i could hardly walk on it yesterday.

on top of that, a good friend of mine is in town visiting one of his best friends who was recently diagnosed with brain cancer and given almost no time. only knew him as an acquaintance, but a nice guy. a good guy. about the same age. holy shit.

the kicker though was the 9am phone call this morning - where i found out my brother in-law's brother passed away yesterday. just turned 30.

stunned. that's all i can say.

i am totally fucking stunned.

down and out....

somehow the fun never seems to stop.

for about a week and a half i've been down with an acute case of gout that flared to fullness on the weekend. hobbled in to see my doctor and am on a new dose of medication, at home with my foot in the air, chained to work by my blackberry.

i will likely post when my thoughts become more than ow, ow, oww, ouch, ow, hobble, hobble, stub, wimper, ouch. owie.


on a side note: the rod stewart concert was pretty damn good. my favorite part was when he cut the second song about 2 lines in, started laughing, looked at the audience and said "sorry, i fucked up". restarted the song and off we went..... not sure if that's confidence, or the knowledge that he had all of our money in his pocket already.

now, where was i......

i can't begin to tell you what things have been like lately, without sounding like a whiny broken record - especially about work. hence the lack of posts. combined with the lack of time. suffice it to say, i've had some indicators that this has not been my best week:

• like a sign from the devil, as i walked up the stairs toward the office today i found a little white tube sitting on a stair. i picked it up. i fondled it. i smelled it. i held it gently in a caress. i put it between my lips, closed my eyes, and inhaled. i imagined. i thought about lighting that fucker up. it's been 8 years since i last quit. i put it on a shelf above my desk and left it there. (actually, i forgot about it.)
  
• i required (yes, REQUIRED) a quad mocha from starbucks this morning. i actually spent $6 on a cup of coffee. yes, you got it.... four shots of espresso in a mochachino. it lasted less than 20 minutes in the cup. several hours in me :) :) :) :) :\ :\ :( :( :( :p :p :p
• laughing maniacally as i walk down the halls at work. often shortly after speaking to my manager - just as he's leaving the area. often for no real reason.
  
• spending more time with my department director than my family.
• massive projects with random deadlines and no resources (see... told you it would sound like a broken, whining record.....)
  

i've also been revamping another web-site in my spare time, and working on other interests.

however, i will leave you with a few reflections that relate to my last post:

• out of all the exchanges, the nurse got the last (and best shot in). as she was applying the dressing, she made the comment "guess what! you get a free ass wax."
• i felt like part of a sigfried and roy act when the packing came out - you pull, and pull, and pull... and it just kept coming.... all 6 feet of it. like magic.
  
• she was wrong. even after a week of taping dressings to my butt, it never got a full wax. hah! so there!
  
• the skin removed from the dressings was infinitely more painful than the incision. imagine a slightly painful x shaped incision surrounded by a square of scabbing skin and you'll know the good times you missed.
• life is funny. just as the back end starts to heal - i come down with a massive head cold.
  

yah, i know... time to spray lysol on your brain and scrub. take comfort in the fact that i will not be posting photos.

more later when i've recovered from the last two weeks of hell.

an ode to my ass....

this may be somewhat rude and offensive - in more ways than one. i'll let you decide if i opted to go for "blood & gore" or funny..... hell, once the percodan wears off, i likely won't remember just what the hell happened here anyway.

oh, most beautiful, and under appreciated appendage. no wait... it's not really an appendage, is it? oh, most beautiful, and under appreciated anatomy.....
my ass, which feels like raw fucking hamburger.
x marks the spot where they did plunder.
where the fucks my drugs.
ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.....

do you really want to hear more? onward then......

to digress, someone i worked with once asked me where all the pretty nurses are. i'll explain that so it makes more sense. i work at a school, that offers nursing as one of it's undergraduate degrees. most of them aren't too hard on the eyes. yet experience has shown that there are many a nurse out in the field that have sucked lemons for a long, long time.

i think of it like part of the speech my wife's grandfather gave at our wedding.... "i've been to many weddings. and at every one, there's always been a toast to the beautiful bride....." (here he paused for dramatic effect, as you could see many women almost in tears at this point) ".... it makes me wonder where all the ugly housewives come from." ah grandpa.... the tears sure disappeared pretty fast.

but i digress....

i seem to have located the cute nurses. they were all gathered around my fat, hairy ass on tuesday. thankfully, i couldn't see anyone's expression, as i was lying face down on the bed whilst the doctor carved a large 'X' into my ass.

X marks the spot. here there be treasure? treasure is also known as booty. a large X carved in my booty. is cosmic karma fucking with me? argh....

where was i? oh yes, digressing.

i was suffering from a pilonidal cyst. this one was particularly bad. after a couple days of it slowly getting worse, i hit the walk-in medical clinic for some antibiotics - which have minimal effect. they seemed just as happy i knew what it was, and would be following up with my doctor. no one even bothered to look at it. they handed me some antibiotics, and shooed me out the door.

it kept getting worse, so i followed up with my doctor. what can i say... the man gets the bad end of it in all of our visits. his assessment was it needed to be lanced. they phoned the emergency room, and sent me off.

now, if you can imagine sitting on an infected abscess the size of a plum, buried just off centre by your tail bone, oozing bloody pus - you can imagine the irony of diving yourself to emergency, and paying to park while you will now spend hours sitting in a waiting room. it's also wildly exciting to be expected when you walk in to emergency because your doctor was kind enough to call ahead. thankfully - this part was short. after an hour, i was in a bed in the minor treatment area.

of course, the short line in the waiting area was an anomoly that was made up for in the treatment area.

cute little nurse shows me to a bed. hands me a gown. and then says she'll be back after i've changed. 'everything?' i asked, knowing it was likely to be a bit of a wait. 'yes' she answered, followed by 'the opening goes in the back' as she walked away. sigh. i didn't see anyone for almost 2 hours after that. dear god... there really are people that put them on wrong, aren't there.

i left my socks on. i also donated a couple bucks on the way out so they can afford some heat. i paced. i wandered to the bathroom every half hour to break up the monotony. i read the only book i had around at work.... dale carnegie's how to enjoy your life and your job.

at around the two hour mark lying on my side in the hospital bed, a second nurse (also cute) rolled up a tray with a bunch of surgical tools and mumbled something about it not being long. i assumed at the time, she meant the wait. but it was cold, and those gowns are thin, and she might have been referring to something else. i don't know. i didn't care.

funny, there's no mention of spending 5 hours being ignores and freezing in emergency at the hospital in a drafty gown. i finished the book and checked in the index. no hospital entries.

3 1/2 hours into the bed wait (4 1/2 hours total now) i managed to flag the original nurse down as she walked by... and bless her little heart... she realized i'd been forgotten about. up went the end of the bed and out came a blanket. to be honest, i just wanted to know if i could slip down to the cafeteria for some lunch if the wait was going to be much longer. nope.... as luck would have it, i was up next.

which was good, because after staring at the surgical tray for the last hour, i was starting to think i had accidentally ordered the do-it-yourself kit. but was bad, because they were going to freeze and cut when i hadn't eaten in 9 hours and was getting shaky.

finally the doctor shows up. i warn him about my not taking freezing very well.... i think he was humouring me, but he doubled up the freezing. and he even went out for more..... accidentally leaving the curtains wide open with my heine out enjoying the cool evening breeze, and on display for anyone walking through the ward.

"this isn't going to be fun" he says, proceeding to shove a needle full of local anesthetic into my backside in a dozen random locations. and it wasn't. although.... oddly, it was better than many days at work.

i'll admit, i was thankful that the freezing took. he seemed to spend a fair amount of time cutting, and i was somewhat startled when i heard him say "finally, there it is...." large, deep, hard to find pocket. and then began the fun. spray of water. and the doctor using his weight to get leverage and squeeze. and squeeze. and squeeze. and dig. and squeeze.

queue the cute nurses at this point. one of whom notices the curtain partly open to the public, and opts to close it so that only paid medical staff have to suffer cornea damage and scarring. at this point it is 'clean' and drained, and so that it heals properly they are going to stuff it full of packing material so it starts to heal from the inside out.

what i hear is "more. no, more. no, i'm going to need more." when i turn my head what i see is the nurse pulling packing out of a container an arm's length at a time. it's like a woven gauze, about 1/2 an inch in width, and green. the doc then proceeds to stuff this into the open wound - fitting 6 feet. as the freezing begins to come out. joy.

so for 36 hours i had to have that packing in place. they threw a dressing on, and told me to change it thursday when i removed the packing, unless it soaked through before then.

and then they offered additional dressing, percocet, and a sheet on after care for the wound. i sat forgotten again, until one of them noticed me out of the corner of their eye. handing me the percocet they told me i was free. i guess out of those last 3 items, i got the right one. free. free!

i hobbled out of emergency, and through the hospital to the car. collapsed in the car and laughed bitterly when as i shelled out the 10 bucks for parking. i headed home.

i crawled in the door and collapsed. feeling odd, i decided to check the dressing - and realized i had blood soaking through the dressing, 4 layers of clothing, and into the car upholstery.

so much for thursday.

violated.....

victimized. my truck was ransacked last night. i parked it in the alley while i unloaded something into the garage through the side door, and then got sidetracked for a bit. when i went back out to move the truck, something seemed odd......

i didn't leave the glove box open. shit.

the seat was covered in detritus. slowly i started pawing through the mess to put stuff away.... afraid of what i would find, or wouldn't.

wait a minute - check the visor - insurance and registration are gone. shit. no... wait... there it is in the pile on the seat.

garage door opener? still there. tape converter for mp3 player? no? yup there it is. 8 year old street maps - check. 10 year old beat up tape measure - check. sunglasses - check. 15 cents change in the ashtray - check. flashlight with dead batteries - still here. led windup flashlight because the other one has dead batteries? there it is. screwdriver - check. band saw blades - check. damage? none i can find. small favours. booster cables - check. socket set - no..... shit. no, wait... i needed them in the house when i had to replace the furnace motor.

wtf? what were they looking for? ipod? blackberry? cd's? money? in a rusted out '91 junker? in a japanese car whose locks are so worn you can use a popsicle stick to open the door?

i'm not sure what i'm more embarrassed about - the fact that i didn't lock the door, and so invited this to happen, the fact that i only noticed because it was marginally cleaner than before they rifled the contents, or the fact that i don't have anything worth stealing. (and i'll argue that you shouldn't have to lock your doors - most people would have respected that, or may have busted the window if it was locked.)

it took about an hour, but i finally figured out what was missing - they stole some cheap kc pro multi-tool knockoff from home depot that wasn't even mine. worth less than most of what they did take.

if you want crime to pay, i think you have to be smarter than this idiot - or pick your targets better.

so now i have a clean truck (they pulled out all the garbage that had collected under the seats), and had an enjoyable night to boot.

----
image from: plig.org/things/pictures/tn/Cape%20Town.jpg.html

unfair....

life is unfair. karma is bullshit. i don't say this to complain, it's just a friendly reminder. let me give you an example, say.... my life yesterday.

my brother: calls to discuss my mom's birthday present 2 days before her birthday. and is somewhat shocked to hear we already have something, and aren't interested in going together on his last minute gift certificate idea. goes out, buys his gift certificate, returns home, realizes he doesn't have his shiny new blackberry. figures it's the last place he used it - the office - and goes to pick it up before heading out to banff. gets to the office, and there it is on his desk.

me: wakes up to a cold house, and a noise that sounds like an angry garage door opener trying to kill a cat. waited until the entire house was up a couple hours later, and then went downstairs to find out what was happening. ayup - the furnace motor for the blower is dead.

phone my local plumbing and heating shop that is a dealer for my furnace brand... closed until the new year. phone choice number two, whew, they're open today. good thing too, because they're closed for the next 3 due to the long weekend new year holiday. rip the dead motor out and haul it with me. drive down, pick up the new one, drive back.

phone rings... it's some guy who found a brand new blackberry on the street. he checked the last call made, and dialed it hoping to find out who owns it. chat for a bit, turns out he's right outside my brother's office - and he offers to drop it off since he knows where it is. great. phone the office and check that he really did - yup. guy at the office says "weird, couple minutes after marc left, someone came in and dropped off his cell phone."

kill the gas. kill the breaker. disassemble the furnace as much as possible for cleaning, remove the blower. rewire the new motor, reassemble the furnace. realize the gas valve that i had trouble moving with a wrench is easily moved by finger pressure. crap. all testing indicates no leak, so what the hell - i've spent 5 hours on the cold concrete floor or outside in freezing weather - fuck it, time to fire this thing up.

nothing explodes. good. heat? yes. blower motor? nada. wait. nada. wait. nada. kicks in. whew. clean up and head upstairs.

get a phone call from my brother - he got back to the office to pick up his blackberry he forgot there, and picked up the voice mail i left telling him he had lost it. he didn't' even realize it had been lost. what!?!? not even a little stress? argh! horseshoes up your ass. lucky fucker for no good reason.

the moral: there is no moral. i used to believe in karma... that those who did good would have good returned, that those who were assholes would get theirs. but it never seems to happen. so i've lost faith in it.

life happens.

my theory is that those who are capable, wind up with responsibility. those who can't really deal with life, get to float through without having to. what. the. fuck.

figures, don't it.

well, happy new year everyone.

(just wait till you hear my thoughts about new year's resolutions....)

merry christmas....

i sit here on christmas eve, with a few seconds to spare. i can't believe it's already christmas. and i have mixed feelings.

there's been a lot that's happened around christmas, and sometimes that christmas 'spirit' is challenged. it's funny how negative occurrences have such a deeper impact than positive ones.

i've buried too many people around the holidays. grandparents. uncles. son.
i've been left, by a spouse.
and then i've got family to deal with.

they're not the best, but they're not the worst by far either. that being said, i'm good for about 2 hours, and then i've had enough. i fully realize this likely says much more about me, than about them. be that as it may, that's the way that it is.

i've got some thinking to do as well, once i get through the holidays. need to stop, and take some time. i'm guessing some of it will end up here.

so there may be some extremely boring, long-winded, introverted, whiny, suck ass posts in the near future. because it's finally starting to hit home that if i don't deal with some of this, it will kill me. at the least, continue to have unwanted impact. melancholy? perhaps. tired? yes - and not just physically.

merry christmas, and happy holidays, to all of you. take care of yourself.

we'll see you again soon. yup... good times ahead.

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melancholia I, by albrecht durer. taken from wikipedia.