so outa here....

rejoice. rejoice i say.

on thursday evening i walked out of the door at work, having left my crackberry (blackberry for those that have not been cursed with one) on my desk and went home.

it's holiday time. 2 weeks. headed off to vancouver. huzzah.

of course, it started with having to replace the alternator on the car (bad voltage regulator - had some funny stuff happening). and then the tires were pretty worn. ok, bald. and something was leaking radiator fluid. and the brakes should probably be checked. and the oil is due to be changed. and the main belt needs to be replaced. what's that? brakes? front and back pads? and calipers? and drums? and rotors? and cylinder on the rear right side?

sigh.... i probably could have bought a new(er) car for what i put into mine this year. but i still have the feeling any car at that price would still require another thou of work at least.

hmmmmm....... so the car is in good shape, but after $2K+ i can't actually afford to go to vancouver.

bwa ha ha ha ha.... fuck it. i'm going anyway! and hitting seattle too. and i'm putting it all on plastic, just like the car repairs.

so.... look for me in about 2 weeks time. (not that i post frequently as it is at the moment.) i will have intermittent computer access at best. if at all.

and if you're nice (err... if i'm not totally lazy) i may even have some photos.

humility & respect....

a broken man made whole again.... ok. so maybe patched, and partially mended.

i'm learning both (humilty and respect). it's amazing how much you do everyday that requires both hands. and there's an equally large number of things made easier by two hands. having only one usable arm is a bit of a challenge - even with the other strapped firmly into place, the hand can be used to occasionally cheat (holding, grasping, typing). but even that minimal use causes the injury to flare - so you learn to avoid it.

i'm glad i taught myself to mouse left handed years ago. but i'm quite out of practice with my 'hunt & peck' typing. i started to keep a list of things that were difficult, but the list was one of them. take it for granted if it involves the bathroom. from top to bottom. hair. teeth. you can guess the rest.

there's also those things that are impossible. like washing the back of your hand using only that hand. and sleeping well. actually, as you toss and turn because it's impossible to get comfortable, and any move makes your shoulder and then entire arm scream in pain - make that sleeping. period. things got better once my doctor gave me a prescription. to be honest, he didn't seem impressed with the treating doctor telling me to take a couple advil either.

things that were heard too often:

• what is the sound of one hand clapping?
• are you going to sue?
• what did you do? (ya, like it was intentional.... try 'what happened?' instead)

this became a sort of retrospect post - as i couldn't bring myself to type any more than i had to. on late tuesday afternoon, i had a follow up doctor's appointment - where a medical professional assured me my arm was still attached.

"will i be able to play the banjo?" i asked. "well, yes... of course" was the doctor's reply. "great! i've never been able to play before!" says i.

you get the picture. no additional damage past the normal soft tissue damage (muscle, tendon, ligament, nerve). No fractures, breaks, or other really bad things to worry about.

so the sling is off. no cast. some physiotherapy prescribed. the range of motion continues to improve, and the pain gets a little better each day. once physiotherapy starts, that should improve vastly.

and life begins to get back to normal.

sort of.

mommeeeeeeeeee!

i hurt myself. well, fuck - remember when i said i was waiting for that mystical "third"? because well all know shit happens in threes? well, fuck me - guess what......

this, is your shoulder....


and this, is your shoulder when you slip on the wet floor at work, fall like an ungainly swan doing an olympic dive in cement shoes, use your right arm to absorb the entire impact generated by your fall, and then stand up and realize......

fuck.... i can't move my arm. at all. and it hurts. A LOT.
you guessed it - dislocated my shoulder and spent the day at the hospital. morphine was my friend. now i sit here in an immobilization sling for the next 4-6 weeks.

should make work and holidays interesting. the workers comp paperwork sure was :P i ain't going in to work tomorrow.

grrrrrrr. can i go home yet?!

crap....

could be worse i guess. could be alpha.

"Unfortunately, you cannot post a comment on a non-beta blog or claim a mobile blog using your Google Account. These features are coming soon."

so, you'll see me posting as anonymous :P
at least until they fix it.

**Update** this is it for a while - i think I'll live with this and see if i care to make any changes. yes... it's a boring standard template.... but i got most of my colours back to something i prefer.

i mean, you do come for the content, right?!?

excerpts....

long. or at least, rambling and longish.

(not really fond of the blue - will be making colour and graphic adjustments as time permits. anyway... on to the real stuff.)

half inch drywall isn't as hard to go through as i thought it might be. that being said, it still hurts when you're not so out of it mentally. i wouldn't recommend it. although i will admit to it feeling good, and seeming extremely reasonable at the time. i'm lucky there wasn't a 2x4 or something solid behind the section i hit. ice sure helped an hour later.

some excerpts from my head, from yesterday.

won't it be dull, when we rid ourselves of all these demons haunting us, to keep us company. won't it be odd, to be happy like we always thought we're supposed to feel, but never seem to be.

- barenaked ladies, war on drugs

to say that the past few days has been emotional would be erroneous. at the least it would be an understatement. devastating. tragedy. incomprehensible. these are words that begin to approach the reality of live over the last short period.

---

although i'm not into gardening - the botanical gardens are my favourite place in the zoo. perhaps it is because it is a gentle reminder that life can survive and flourish, even in the most extreme conditions. and in such diversity. maybe it's just because the flowers and butterflies are pretty.

---

i work in i.t., but that is no who i am. so the question really is 'who am i?' which is really a bit of a challenge - because i've never really been able to answer that. or find a mentor. my life has been a quest to discover myself - with no guidance. and limited assistance. and no real plan. no wonder i'm a mess.

---

why have i let so many preconceived notions populate my head? why do i secretly fear what people will think when i claim not to? why do i still feel such a need for approval from an external source?

---

declarations:

• i am not my job
• my job does not own me
• my job is just that - a job. i will not let it own me, or my emotions. if they want to pay me and not use what i've produced - so be it. they are idiots.
  
• only life and death matters will be treated as such

on and on, does anybody know what we are living for?
whatever happens, we leave it all to chance
another heartache, another failed romance
on and on, does anybody know what we are living for

the show must go on.... the show must go on....
outside the dawn is breaking, on the stage that holds our final destiny
the show must go on.... the show must go on....

-the show must go on, moulin rouge (originally by queen)

warning.....

just a quick warning.... i switched over to the new blogger beta.

i know... not sure what i was thinking. but just in case things are goofy, you'll know why (i mean other than the fact that i'm involved.) not sure if haloscan will work with the new templates - so i'm waiting to find out - because i couldn't figure it out myself. ditto blogroll. never mind, figured it out.

on an amusing side note.... i checked my google.mail and found the following message waiting:
10 signs that it’s time to look for a new job
(or 10 signs you need to light the building on fire and leave)

oddly enough, i would check off less than i thought.

perhaps i better re-read that tomorrow.

fuqit....

i took monday off. from everywhere. everbody. and everyone.

i'll post tomorrow.

the day, she is long.....

so, after spending the last several days contemplating life, and what's important, and thinking i seriously have to change the way i approach work - my brain apparently fucked up and stopped working.

spend yesterday working with a group of guys to get a couple 50" plasma screens installed for some new digital display signage. had to be in place today for the building grand opening. spent an additional 7 hours of overtime designing content to put up, because no one had bothered providing any information.

went and looked today - all looked good. corrected a couple of minor issues various people requested. and then.... was asked to completely replace it. guess someone higher up the chain didn't like things.

told them no. sorry, i needed this yesterday - i have a funeral i'm leaving for shortly. i can pick this back up on monday. walked away. felt pretty good.

until the higher ups phoned the department head, and manager. so.... the solution in the end was to turn it off. 11 people involved over a 7 hour period yesterday, and an addition 7 hours. and nothing to show for it.

but did i lose it? no... i kept my cool.

until someone asked if i was having a bad day. but still, i was fine....

unless you count embedding my coffee cup in the wall. and kicking my office wall. and punching several holes in the wall in the main area my office is in. and then breaking down in tears in front of my entire staff. then i left to go bury my uncle.

monday should be interesting.

if i show up. then tuesday should be interesting.

(if you're lucky, i'll take photos of what's left of the wall)

lost....

grief lives quietly in my heart.

9:15 pm phone call: tony has taken a turn for the worse
9:30 pm phone call: tony has passed away

my uncle, who was battling cancer (liver, lungs, kidney, orange size tumour in his brain) lost that battle on the weekend, after going through radiation, and starting his chemotherapy treatment.

my aunt, who received a bone marrow transplant to deal with a blood/bone cancer, is coming up on her "100th day". at day 100, they will be able to tell if the transplant took. if it did not, there's nothing else they can do (as a rejection indicates any other attempt will be rejected)

i apologize to those who have left comments over the last week for not replying, and that my posting has been erratic lately. there has been a huge amount going on in both personal and work aspects of my life, and i have been struggling both to find time, and to be able to open myself enough to share anything.