excerpts....

long. or at least, rambling and longish.

(not really fond of the blue - will be making colour and graphic adjustments as time permits. anyway... on to the real stuff.)

half inch drywall isn't as hard to go through as i thought it might be. that being said, it still hurts when you're not so out of it mentally. i wouldn't recommend it. although i will admit to it feeling good, and seeming extremely reasonable at the time. i'm lucky there wasn't a 2x4 or something solid behind the section i hit. ice sure helped an hour later.

some excerpts from my head, from yesterday.

won't it be dull, when we rid ourselves of all these demons haunting us, to keep us company. won't it be odd, to be happy like we always thought we're supposed to feel, but never seem to be.

- barenaked ladies, war on drugs

to say that the past few days has been emotional would be erroneous. at the least it would be an understatement. devastating. tragedy. incomprehensible. these are words that begin to approach the reality of live over the last short period.

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although i'm not into gardening - the botanical gardens are my favourite place in the zoo. perhaps it is because it is a gentle reminder that life can survive and flourish, even in the most extreme conditions. and in such diversity. maybe it's just because the flowers and butterflies are pretty.

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i work in i.t., but that is no who i am. so the question really is 'who am i?' which is really a bit of a challenge - because i've never really been able to answer that. or find a mentor. my life has been a quest to discover myself - with no guidance. and limited assistance. and no real plan. no wonder i'm a mess.

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why have i let so many preconceived notions populate my head? why do i secretly fear what people will think when i claim not to? why do i still feel such a need for approval from an external source?

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declarations:

• i am not my job
• my job does not own me
• my job is just that - a job. i will not let it own me, or my emotions. if they want to pay me and not use what i've produced - so be it. they are idiots.
  
• only life and death matters will be treated as such

on and on, does anybody know what we are living for?
whatever happens, we leave it all to chance
another heartache, another failed romance
on and on, does anybody know what we are living for

the show must go on.... the show must go on....
outside the dawn is breaking, on the stage that holds our final destiny
the show must go on.... the show must go on....

-the show must go on, moulin rouge (originally by queen)