narcissistic desparation

i must admit, i'm still at the newbie stage of blogging, where i haven't quite yet decided what this is to me. at the moment, i'm taking the journey, without having defined the destination. so it's still part rant. catharsis. process. of discovery.

originally i thought the entire concept of blogging was nothing more than narcissistic. publicly publishing about oneself for the world to access. wrote it off. then a friend started - as a substitute for their journals. found it amusing, thought i'd try it.

i had been thinking of digging out the journal and starting again. needed to clear the head. noticed my current book, 90+% empty, covered a span of about 4 years. it would start, then taper off. every start said the same thing basically. lack of impetus. no focus. perhaps i can blame it on no life, but then i should have had something i could do cathartic ranting about.

enter blog. found the first couple posts amusing. the blessing and curse of electronic communication - ease, without the prerequisite for deep thought. started finding it sort of addictive. had the attitude of i don't care if anyone reads it. trouble is... i don't think that's true anymore.

i started hitting the good old random "next" button, just to see what was out there. and started to find some pretty great stuff. you read some of it and, well... as stupid as it sounds, feel this odd connection to these people, like you've known them for a while. (i had the urge to say 'global community', but thought that sounded geeky and trite). some of that is writing style. some is content. openness. joie de vivre.

so i find myself at a crossroads, where i'm an extremely private type of person, who is publicly putting some things out there. and is doing it for himself, but really does hope someone somewhere reads it. desperation? narcissism? the quest for contact from others who feel the same? suffer the same? something further than the knowing you aren't the only one. a real need for contact. yet, i'm definitely not comfortable with moving away from some level of anonymity at this stage.

yes it's fear. while many bloggers will openly post, and do so from a perspective of carpe diem, i sort of hit carp diem, or perhaps carpe carp at best. at the moment. (yes, i know it's not 'correct latin', but i'm aiming for 'fish of the day', or 'grasp the fish', instead of sieze the day here. and sadly i looked it up on the net, and it's not an original theme, although it is apparently an original clothing line.)

i guess the best i can do here, is continue onward.

for life is about the journey, not the destination.

and now i must go, for the cats are nagging me for still being up.