sigh....

i just realized how long it's been since i've posted anything. and it's not that i have had nothing to say, it's just.... well.... i guess i haven't been able to figure out what, or how to say it. hopefully this doesn't just sound whiny - which was part of the concern.

someone asked the other day (after noticing a long absence) how i was. to use the words of an ex-boss of mine "couldn't be better."

to be honest, that was a sign to run. to be afraid. very, very afraid. no stopping, go like a bat out of hell, clear the area. warning: you are at ground zero.

so.... here's the truth. cf. charlie fox. or for those of you who are less timid: cluster fuck. some may be thinking life or work? shit. would you believe both?

work is work. there's not too much i can say that anyone wouldn't. short staffed. in the middle of interviews. heading into the busiest time of year. true nightmare time. just trust me, you don't want to read about all the crap at work. and that is exactly what most of that is: crap.

the tragedy, is i am still struggling to separate myself from work. to leave it there while i go home for the day. so to deal with it, i'm reading:

• power over stress, kenford nedd
• getting things done, david allen
• how to enjoy your life and your job, dale carnegie

i actually went to the presentation by kenford nedd - who was a fabulous speaker. but i've also learned when you're tired - you don't retain anything (well, maybe water, and part of that piece of pie for lunch, and maybe the beer. anyway....). the getting things done was suggested by someone who found it helpful to get work out of their head - as it's primary tenet is to write it down so you aren't spending time concentrating on not forgetting it. ok... i'm guessing, as in 2 weeks i've had enough time to get 14 pages in.

life is the problem. well... not the problem, becuase i'm pretty sure the solution to life is worse. however, it is challenging. and amusing.

first, the amusing: we had talked on the weekend about the kid being able to unlock and open the door with minor assistance. i figured the first time it happened unassisted we'd deal with it - until then not a problem. so..... the next day, nancy hears a noise while she is in the kitchen, and goes to see what it is. matthew gets up from his nap, comes downstairs, opens the door, and runs out to the car. i'm not sure where he wanted to go - but after nap is errand time, so i assume he was just getting a jump on it. the good news is he realized no one was behind him, so he turned around and came back to see if mom was coming. the problem is now fixed. matthew will be 18 before he gets out of the house on his own again ;)

the cluster fuck: i have a favourite aunt in winnipeg. she has worked at a hospital doing type matching for 20 years. works hard. saves people. cares. is a wonderful woman. this would be my favourite aunt and uncle on my side. found out she wasn't doing well - was ill. a while later, i had to phone to get an 'update' to pass on to someone who was on vacation, and got the full details of what was happening. C. yup, the big C. Cancer. and no candy ass cancer either. all out, fuck your life over, bone and blood. i can't remember the name - i think i sort of glazed over at one point. so - she has gone through radiation, and a bone marrow transplant. when i phoned she was at the lowest point of the entire treatment. words could not express how upset i was. and it's time to get another update - because additional information has not been passed on by anyone in my family. (that's something else i can't believe - that i have to ask to find out, because no one can be bothered to pass the information on. not even through e-mail. for fuck's sake, what's with that anyway?!)

the second cluster fuck: favourite uncle on my wife's side. italian. loud. boisterous. we once tried to kill him by accidentally refilling the sugar bowl with salt. (the only people i know who keep a container of sugar and salt on the counter in a matching set. in case you wonder why - it's the amount of baking that goes on.) let's just say tony likes his espresso sweet. really sweet. oh dear god, the look on his face. i can't imagine how bad that must have tasted. he was coughing and spitting and swearing for hours. did i mention loud?

anyway... he was having some kidney pain, so off to emergency figuring it was kidney stones. 4 days worth of tests later, they determined he had tumors in the kidney, liver, and lungs. an mri scan then occurs - because at this point, they're still not sure what it is. so, my question is this: how do you have a tumor the size of an orange in your head, without having any indication it's there? no pain. no headaches. no nausea, vomiting, dizziness. the only indication a partially paralyzed vocal cord that makes him sound like he escaped from a godfather movie. and the man admits he doesn't use most of his brain anyway. always the drama queen.

the good news, it's a treatable form - not small cell cancer. and the steroids seem to be helping with the lungs/liver/kidneys. so today is day 6 of his initial 10 day radiation treatment aimed at his thick fricken' skull. and then we wait and see as the rest of the treatment occurs.

so, that's it in a nutshell.... unless you cound my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary coming up, which we are deeply involved in the planning and execution of.

strange times, and strained times.

(anyone wishing to offer a prayer, or keep them in their thoughts will not be turned away. in fact, it would be most welcome.)

sigh....