"living"....

my life, is ruled by fear. anxiety. desperation. trapped, i stand on a ledge. unable to move, lest i fall. as twilight turns to dusk, and then to blackness. i wait for the stars to appear - light and salvation both. there is nothing but dark storm clouds that race across the sky. frozen i stand on the precipice as the storm breaks around me every fibre of my being screams at me to jump - that my only chance of survival is to close my eyes and take that leap. and so, i stand here. paralyzed. and live. completely immobilized. in fear.

bringer of sunshine and happiness...

excerpts:

august 2, 2001

i have my doubts. i used to have a clear vision of where i was, who i was, and where i was going. more and more, life intruded. weighed me down. clouded my vision. now i wonder lost in a fog. unable to dream any longer. imprisoned. my new weapons bitterness and sarcasm. reduced to using these to ensure survival. chaining myself down, even as i struggle to rise above.

august 8, 2001

is it, i wonder, a bad thing to walk about, with angry rants filling my head and consuming me? maybe it's because i deal with stress better than confrontation, and i'm beginning to see i don't actually deal with stress all that well.

do i actually care at this point? honest answer.... no, not really.

august 16, 2001

i was not always like this. once, long ago, i was like you. a doer, a thinker, a dreamer. as to what occurred to alter my path to destiny, i am unsure. i look back, ponder, wonder, and i see only that my past is shrouded in the mists of time. somewhere in that dense, murky fog lay the answers.

to find them seems an impossible task, yet i must. for now it is the only thing left that can alter my current path. all that is left to save my life, and end this miserable existence.