awareness.....

awareness. or perhaps more accurately a lack of aforementioned awareness. i begin to wonder if this is a root. the root. primary cause. the great mover and shaker of my life.

at one point in my now sad and trivial existence, things were not always so. i think the change came when i sold my soul. shelved freedom. creativity. challenges. and accepted in it's place the tedious drudgery that entails the provision of "the steady paycheque." i have traded one type of prison for a prison that is even worse.

they don't call it the grind for nothing.

at some point after trading creativity and freedom for a steady paycheque i started focusing on the wrong things. or perhaps this trade was the point of no return - for it seems to me now, although not at the time it occurred, that to trade one's soul in such a way is an indication that one has already focussed on the wrong things.

surely there must be a way to conquer the north american expectation. demand. design. that one lives to work. surely there must be a way to right the wrongs and restore the balance. to bring oneself back from the precipice. to work to live.

nay. not only to work to live. but to have a life. an understanding. a definition. and a harmony with that life.

ultimately this requires being in touch with yourself. knowing yourself. being comfortable with yourself. accepting yourself.

time. time and awareness.


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Photo from: http://blog.7inspirations.com/author/phil/
Photo based on the original Creative Commons work “DSC09508.JPG” by net_efekt (license info..)

offensive....

i used the word penis on facebook today. my status reads "is wondering why spammers have obsessed about his penis."

i wonder if it will offend anyone.....

i wonder if anyone will agree there is something there to obsess about ;)

the sad reality....

somehow, it strikes me as sad, that when my official day ends at 4:30 pm, that i am only now returning home at 10:00 pm.

another fabulous project. another wonderful cluster fuck from hell.

nothing much to say....

i feel like i'm running out of time.

words are not enough.....

arm after the blood letting, er...
i mean blood tests.

feet of frodo. or, i used to have an
ankle on the right foot.

and i'll leave you with one parting thought.....
i'm tired of seeing the phrase "black, tarry stools" on the side effects list.

maybe words can be enough......

frustration....

these days i seem to measure the phases of my life by prescription and illness. it's getting frustrating. and i'm starting to lose my sense of humour over it all. especially when the tests all come back with indications that there is nothing major wrong.

so for those who are wondering how i've defined my life lately.... it starts with the major gout attack about 2 months back, and then continues in complications that seem to be related.

• gout attack
• swelling of the feat
• anemic, with extremely low blood count. seemingly caused by the drugs used to treat the gout.
• shortness of breath
• tiredness
  
• additional gout attack(s)
• continued anemia with a heavy iron supplement assisting in minor fashion
• unexplained serious swelling of the feet/legs for a long period of time. (this would be the latest.) possibly related to the arthritis. possibly related to the drug treatment(s).

test indicate nothing wrong - well, other than the anemia/iron deficiency. ecg says the heart is fine. x-rays say the lungs are clear, however they indicate a possible hiatus hernia. bloodwork rules out liver, kidneys, and thyroid. we'll skip the list of medications - it's not pretty.

monday will see ultrasound tests to make sure there are no clots or other complications in the legs. thursday will see an upper gi tract flouroscopy to find out if it is a hernia, and if there is internal bleeding.

i guess the doctor didn't see the humour when he asked if i knew what a hiatus hernia was, and i responded 'a hernia on a short leave?' oh well. he may be stymied, but at least he's worried.

with luck the reumatology clinic i'm scheduled for at the end of the month may have some answers.

really... that's all i want, is some answers. i'll be less whiny when i have some answers.

so for now, i'm stuck with my feet in the air, able to do nothing - feeling perfectly fine. other than looking like i stole frodo baggin's feet that is. with luck my life will become exciting as he drops by the house searching for them. maybe he'll bring gandolf (and whatever gandolf smokes to look so happy) with him.

i now return you to your much less depressing lives....

the weather.....

just an update to the insanity of weather we have. after the last major heavy snowfall we experienced not long ago - we have had a record setting storm. 72mm of rain fell in a 3 hour period. sure, that doesn't sound like much, until you realize the following 2 facts:

• the previous record was only about 35mm in a day.
• the average monthly rain fall for june is 79mm

add to that the additional 20mm that was received the next day (yesterday) and you'll understand the concern.

and what does that mean to me? 80 gallons of water in the basement. thankfully i managed to keep up on the bailing and experienced no flooding. others.... not so lucky.

here are some photos i received via e-mail from a friend of one of the major roadways in the city: glenmore trail (by the way, the first photo is of an overpass as indicated by the car trapped in it, not a bridge over a river)