the problems in my head....

no... no voices. at least not yet. i've been in sort of a weird head-space lately. i guess that should be readily apparent by my asking okami to marry me - even though it was intended to be humourous, a joke, not only was it in poor taste - but there is something just so inherently and fundamentally wrong and odd about it that it is not only not funny, it's not funny.

i'm sitting here listening to iris by the goo goo dolls over and over and over as i type this.

i knocked some stuff under my desk over, and went to clean up the spill of paper - this is the area i keep my shoebox(es) in.... you know - shoebox. the spot where you keep odd scraps of memory. i opened them and sifted through a couple of items.

• 1990 concert ticket stubs for Depeche Mode - Violator.
• 1994 contert ticket stubs for the Eagles - When Hell Freezes Over tour.
  
• Ticket Stubs form the San Franciso Alcatraz tour a couple years ago.
• A couple pennies that were an in joke between an instructor and myself (my 2c worth. the 2 i have are American pennies as he was from chicago - his are Canadian of course.)
• An empty frame that used to contain a cherry stem tied in a knot. (since you must know, a friend of mine years ago - back in my college days, ate the cherry and tied the stem into a knot using only her tongue before taking it back out of her mouth and handing it to me. I've lost the stem, but the frame still puts a smile on my face.
  
• old cards from Christmases, graduation, and birthdays.
• old letters - Love letters, LOVE letters, fight letters, make-up letters, letters of discussion. Man I used to date a psycho bitch - I guess when someone's nickname for you is "My Little Boy" that should be a pretty good indication there's a problem, eh? (Can you top that one Joe?)

shit. my state of mind is out of joint enough that i'm capitalizing. and i'm too tired and lazy to fix it - fuck the stylistic at the moment.

I ran across two things - one was a scrap of something I had written - the other is a quote that i prefaced a journal with. they seem to fit my mood at the moment - so here they are.

I. I the Creator.
Holding in my head.
My hands. My words.
Untold worlds of limitless possibility.
Infinities of probability and choice.
In the beginning was.
My own image.
Or shall i be something new and untried.
How shall I begin.
And Where.

- messiah

"And this journal will be destroyed... must be destroyed. It is a poet's place to lay bare thoughts that others must deny even having, but poetry is dead and I soon will be and I refuse to leave these thoughts where prying eyes will find them. And yet I must write about it all or go mad."

- Dan Simmons
The Great Lover

ok.... i take that back - on second thought, they don't really fit my mood much. to be honest, i'm not really sure just what my mood is right now.

i think it may no longer be an option not to take some time for reflection. pondering. retrospection.

and maybe to burn some of those old, poisonous letters that i am no longer sure why i've held on to for 15 years.

goo goo dolls....

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

goo goo dolls
iris
from the album dizzy up the girl

true story....

I don't know how "true" this is, having received it by e-mail, but i thought it was worth a chuckle....

story from houston medical center:

a man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
according to the nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the
ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
i don't know what's worse:

1) having your girl friend find out that you're married.
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
or
3) finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tetris....

Japanese "Human" Tetris.... I wonder when the home game is being released?


Japanese Tetris

http://www.break.com/index/japanese-tetris.html

"

"we human beings need secrets," she thought, "as much as we deserve the truth."

- tom robbins, villa incognito.

insanity....

let's just say.... a little insanity is good sometimes.



How hot is it really? I started sneezing while it was in the microwave - due to the hot sauce in the air. I was able to eat the entire bag at a single sitting - but I'll admit it did make my nose run. Hot enough to be really enjoyable. Not so hot it was a bad experience.

expanded freeware list....

additional freeware i've picked up since my last post when i rebuilt my computer. (can be found under the 'freeware' label.)

audio player:

• XMPlay - they claim "Balls-on accurate. Plays the way nature intended." Nice player. Provides link to equivalent non-windows player. http://www.un4seen.com/
  

screen capture:

• FastStone screen capture - screen capture utility that allows editing, addition of text, boxes, labels, etc. http://www.faststone.org/FSCaptureDetail.htm

image viewing:

• FastStone image viewer - supports all major image formats, and good range of basic editing features. http://www.faststone.org/FSViewerDetail.htm

video conversion (between MPEG-MOV-PS3-MP4-iPOD-3gp/3g2-mobile phone-etc)

• MPEG Streamclip by Squared 5. Also available for Mac. http://www.squared5.com/svideo/mpeg-streamclip-win.html
• SUPER. i had to do a bit of work to get through all of their website to find the download section, but it was well worth the time (they do have a short list of what web settings need to be if you find yourself endlessly looping). http://www.erightsoft.net/SUPER.html

3d /2d cadd & drawing software

• SketchUp6. courtesy of Google. http://sketchup.google.com/download.html
  an interesting concept in 3d modelling software. easy to learn, easy to use. i was able to actually produce a finished drawing in about and hour and a half - less time than it took me to get through the first chapter of the last cadd package i tried to use. pretty feature rich, although the pro version has a few extra bells and whistles that most hobby users would never need. edit: i noticed later that i had listed this in my first freeware post, but think it's worth a re-mention, as i have gained a new appreciation for it having actually had some time to use it. it's now a highly useful tool to me, instead of just a cool free utility.

notepad replacement:

• notepad++ - a free notepad replacement tool. http://notepad-plus.sourceforge.net/uk/site.htm. i switched to notepadd++ from pspad as i find it has most of the same features, but seems to load much faster. for the basic editing i use it for, it was a gain in speed with no loss in features. your mileage may vary, and both are good programs.
  

mind mapping:

• freemind. this gets another mention because version 0.90 is available in beta. but they do warn it's not stable enough for full production. (like that ever stopped any geek i know...)

smitten....

there's a story here. but you've heard all you'll hear about it.



this post brought to you by the perverse smug sense of self-satisfaction that comes with posting something cryptic and vague that is full of secrets.