V....

warning: testicles. if that has put you off at all, you should leave now. if my wife is teaching you how to knit, you may want to skip this post. we all know you're going to keep reading anyway, so the hell with it. let's get going.

"there's nothing like having an elderly, accented, european man cup your testicles with ice cold hands first thing in the morning."

scratch that. that's how i was going to start this post. let's just say the big V ain't victory.

i've since learned having the same elderly, accented european man gripping your testicles in his hands while wielding a scalpel is far, far more frightening. let's just say we got close enough i know he's czechoslovakian, old school.

now, this is supposed to be a simple, pain free surgical procedure using the latest in modern technology. it's less invasive than the female option. it's 20 minutes. plus waiting time of course.... you can't go to a doctor's office and not expect to add on at least 30 minutes of waiting time. if they're covering for their colleague who is on vacation, you can add another hour to that. just trust me on that one.

anyway. 20 minutes. simple. it's so simple, it's done in the office. what could possibly go wrong? i wish i was jewish just so i could say "oy vey" if it's good enough for einstein, it's good enough for me.

i'm going to back up a bit and start at the beginning. or at least a little bit before the actual day of. this experience also had the added benefit of bonding with my boss. there was concern over the day's absence. doctor appointment i explained. the whole day? yes, elective surgery. is it serious? ah crap - it'll just be easier to explain it than this shit. vasectomy. sit down, do i have a story for you.....

you have got to be kidding me. sit down. for a personal story. fuck. if you're thinking this does not bode well, you may be right. the first story, was of his brother's vasectomy and.... resultant third child a year later. the second story was a directly personal recount of his suffering at the hands of the same doctor. let's just say i think the doc overcompensated for the problem with my boss' sibling. (i mean, come on - you're still fertile for up to 3 months. i'm figuring a classic case of stupidity if it really was "a year" later). but i digress.

so.... there i am, pants off, underwear at the knees, fabric draped over the groin, nuts to the wind. that's when he realizes after he's gloved up he forgot something and needs the receptionist. thank god she's a nurse. so, the electrode is now placed under my butt. electrode? for what!? ah, cauterization. of what!? ah, the vasa deferentia.

here it is in a nut shell (if you'll pardon the pun). find the tube that carries the sperm. using local anesthetic, freeze that area. incision. grab the little tube and clamp it on both sides - remove a section in the middle. cauterize the ends so no little swimmers ever have a chance of crossing the english channel. stuff everything back in. a single stitch in both incisions. done. what is referred to as a no scalpel vasectomy (nsv). of course, that doesn't include the incision to get there.....

nope, doesn't sound too bad at all. unless the freezing doesn't take on one side. i didn't know you could sweat so much laying there doing nothing. and yes gents, make sure you ask for extra if you're a wuss. i didn't pass out, but i did feel it all. all of it. he used extra anesthetic on the left side. i didn't even have to request it. not all people respond to local anesthetic the same. my dentist curses me because he has to use twice the normal dose. now why that didn't cross my mind to pass on to this guy, i couldn't tell you.

so the post has been interesting. they suggest a jock strap. (i know they are technically called an athletic supporter, but try buying one by asking for that. you get a blank look until you say 'you know, a jock strap?') i highly recommend it. in fact, i would suggest if you're even thinking of getting your nuts nipped you buy one before you go in. i had a hell of a time as it's between sports seasons, and your local pharmacy doesn't sell them: they are not a medical item.

and ice. lots of ice.

but here is the problem. i was fine the first 3 days. even went out for dinner and a movie since matthew was that the grandparents. the bruising didn't hit until day 4. blue balls my ass - black and blue and purple. the swelling started day 5. i broke down when i couldn't walk and kept crushing myself trying to get out of the car day 8 - so off to find an athletic supporter.

the poor guy at sport check who helped me out looked like he was going to pass out because i was walking so funny. i now own the best jock strap on the market. oh my dear god i can't tell you how much it helped.

so the swelling is mostly gone - no more grapefruits in the crotch. the incisions are healing decently now (better with the swelling gone).

and i will never, ever utter the phrase "i'd give my left nut..." ever, ever again.

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if you really want more information:
wikipedia (general information)
pictorial essay on my-vasectomy.com through description and documentation of a NSV. it's not quite the same as what i went through, but pretty close. (no - it's not my vasectomy. no one needs to see that.)