awareness.....

awareness. or perhaps more accurately a lack of aforementioned awareness. i begin to wonder if this is a root. the root. primary cause. the great mover and shaker of my life.

at one point in my now sad and trivial existence, things were not always so. i think the change came when i sold my soul. shelved freedom. creativity. challenges. and accepted in it's place the tedious drudgery that entails the provision of "the steady paycheque." i have traded one type of prison for a prison that is even worse.

they don't call it the grind for nothing.

at some point after trading creativity and freedom for a steady paycheque i started focusing on the wrong things. or perhaps this trade was the point of no return - for it seems to me now, although not at the time it occurred, that to trade one's soul in such a way is an indication that one has already focussed on the wrong things.

surely there must be a way to conquer the north american expectation. demand. design. that one lives to work. surely there must be a way to right the wrongs and restore the balance. to bring oneself back from the precipice. to work to live.

nay. not only to work to live. but to have a life. an understanding. a definition. and a harmony with that life.

ultimately this requires being in touch with yourself. knowing yourself. being comfortable with yourself. accepting yourself.

time. time and awareness.


----
Photo from: http://blog.7inspirations.com/author/phil/
Photo based on the original Creative Commons work “DSC09508.JPG” by net_efekt (license info..)

offensive....

i used the word penis on facebook today. my status reads "is wondering why spammers have obsessed about his penis."

i wonder if it will offend anyone.....

i wonder if anyone will agree there is something there to obsess about ;)

the sad reality....

somehow, it strikes me as sad, that when my official day ends at 4:30 pm, that i am only now returning home at 10:00 pm.

another fabulous project. another wonderful cluster fuck from hell.

nothing much to say....

i feel like i'm running out of time.

words are not enough.....

arm after the blood letting, er...
i mean blood tests.

feet of frodo. or, i used to have an
ankle on the right foot.

and i'll leave you with one parting thought.....
i'm tired of seeing the phrase "black, tarry stools" on the side effects list.

maybe words can be enough......

frustration....

these days i seem to measure the phases of my life by prescription and illness. it's getting frustrating. and i'm starting to lose my sense of humour over it all. especially when the tests all come back with indications that there is nothing major wrong.

so for those who are wondering how i've defined my life lately.... it starts with the major gout attack about 2 months back, and then continues in complications that seem to be related.

• gout attack
• swelling of the feat
• anemic, with extremely low blood count. seemingly caused by the drugs used to treat the gout.
• shortness of breath
• tiredness
  
• additional gout attack(s)
• continued anemia with a heavy iron supplement assisting in minor fashion
• unexplained serious swelling of the feet/legs for a long period of time. (this would be the latest.) possibly related to the arthritis. possibly related to the drug treatment(s).

test indicate nothing wrong - well, other than the anemia/iron deficiency. ecg says the heart is fine. x-rays say the lungs are clear, however they indicate a possible hiatus hernia. bloodwork rules out liver, kidneys, and thyroid. we'll skip the list of medications - it's not pretty.

monday will see ultrasound tests to make sure there are no clots or other complications in the legs. thursday will see an upper gi tract flouroscopy to find out if it is a hernia, and if there is internal bleeding.

i guess the doctor didn't see the humour when he asked if i knew what a hiatus hernia was, and i responded 'a hernia on a short leave?' oh well. he may be stymied, but at least he's worried.

with luck the reumatology clinic i'm scheduled for at the end of the month may have some answers.

really... that's all i want, is some answers. i'll be less whiny when i have some answers.

so for now, i'm stuck with my feet in the air, able to do nothing - feeling perfectly fine. other than looking like i stole frodo baggin's feet that is. with luck my life will become exciting as he drops by the house searching for them. maybe he'll bring gandolf (and whatever gandolf smokes to look so happy) with him.

i now return you to your much less depressing lives....

the weather.....

just an update to the insanity of weather we have. after the last major heavy snowfall we experienced not long ago - we have had a record setting storm. 72mm of rain fell in a 3 hour period. sure, that doesn't sound like much, until you realize the following 2 facts:

• the previous record was only about 35mm in a day.
• the average monthly rain fall for june is 79mm

add to that the additional 20mm that was received the next day (yesterday) and you'll understand the concern.

and what does that mean to me? 80 gallons of water in the basement. thankfully i managed to keep up on the bailing and experienced no flooding. others.... not so lucky.

here are some photos i received via e-mail from a friend of one of the major roadways in the city: glenmore trail (by the way, the first photo is of an overpass as indicated by the car trapped in it, not a bridge over a river)

remiss....

i must admit, i've been remiss with my posting schedule. truth be told, there's not a lot to tell. which is not the same as not a lot going on.

work is insane, but there's no point in bitching about it. i've decided i don't hate my job. but i am frustrated by it, and there are things that are suckage to the nth degree, but it's a job. were it not a job, it would be fun. okay, so i'm not doing something i love (insert little popping hearts and cornball soundtrack here) but i need to figure out what that is.

ok, so my job is keeping me from figuring that out. whatever - that's more than enough about work.

other things are busy - took a couple of turning courses. more about those will be posted.

continue to have health complications. gout continues to be a problem. gout medication has turned into a problem. i'm anemic enough i should be dead. ironically i'm often told i look like i am dead. due to this, i'm somewhat lethargic and apathetic except when my boss uses a cattle prod. the work boss - but enough about work. and enough about health.

so what to talk about then? there's always the weather......

i know, a week out of date, and already done by others, but i was speaking with a work acquaintance who lives in toronto, and it made the front page of the newspaper. the last time i remember that happening was almost 20 years ago - when we had a chinook in february. the photo that ran on the front pages was a group of people out playing baseball in shorts and t-shirts, in february, in 2 feet of snow.

you'll understand when you see the photos.

so... the scenario. a pleasant wednesday, mid-may heading toward the end of may. nice and warm - about 12*C (54F). look out the window about 1:30 headed for bed - and notice it's snowing. lightly. wake up the next morning (thursday) - to 8 inches of snow. heavy snow. ugly snow. lots of tree damage throughout the city. shake the trees. shovel the sidewalk and the car. head to work. return home 9 hours later - to green grass. friday we're back to 18*C (64F).

from the front door leaving for work

what used to be a 10 foot hedge
(now about 3 feet)

branch that used to be about 12 feet above the slide
in the park next door

closer photo of the same park
(same day - about 9 hours later)

arrived home from work

i guess you could call our weather a forecast of huh? with some occasional flurries of wtf?!

vista....

my opinion? run away screaming.

it's late, so i'm going to keep this short. it's not that i don't like vista. they've done some nice things. i like the new interface. some great features. but......

i tried upgrading my home system to vista this weekend. my home system is a p4 2.4ghz processor - about 4 years old. i have a gig of ram. the pre-install check told me it would install with most of the bells and whistles, an "experience" marker of 3.4 - same as my work machine. however the limitation at work is a shitty graphics card. the limitation at home is an older processor and a lack of ram.

yes - it makes a big difference. yes - sucks to be me.

if you don't have a new machine (core 2 duo) i would suggest waiting. if you have an n-vidia card, i would also suggest waiting (don't think they've ironed out all of their driver problems.) and speaking of problems - if you use a decent amount of software (that isn't made by microsoft) i would suggest holding off until they have a vista version.

which probably means upgrading to a new version. on top of upgrading your hardware.

after 3 days of random lockups. bsod's. and other assorted errors i can't name (tough when you turn your monitor on and your computer has locked up with no display) we're going home.

back to windows xp.

at least until i buy a new computer - then i'm left with no choice since they all ship with vista now.

that's progress, i guess.

haunted....

i find myself haunted. haunted by the funeral of someone i didn't know.

my brother-in-law's brother passed away last friday. although he and my sister have been together for many years, i don't believe i've ever met his brother. came close once, but something came up and he didn't make it to the family holiday dinner that round. from what i've heard, he was an extremely interesting man, and would have been someone to meet.

he had just turned 20.

but that's not what haunts me.

it was a jewish burial ceremony (yizkor). complicated because of the timing coinciding with passover. a simple coffin (not the one pictured above.) a large gathering of family and friends. recitation of the 23rd psalm in hebrew and english, recitation of the 1st psalm in hebrew and english, some words from the rabbi, remembrances by two friends, and then by the immediate family (sister, mother, brother). after this the 'community' who had gathered to mourn was asked to follow behind the casket on foot to the burial location.

the grave, is filled. by hand. as part of the ceremony.

unlike all of the nice detached christian based funerals i've gone too where the man of god says a few words, you symbolically scatter a small handful of dirt on the coffin, and everyone goes away while they typically lower and fill the grave afterwards. or at least variations on this.

not so here.

and just to add some perspective, other than the rabbi and the immediate family (3 people) - the rest of the approximately 130 attendees were gentiles.

6 shovels. the community of mourners is requested to help fill the grave. the shovels are not passed from hand to hand, but layed down and picked up again. the coffin was lowered. the mourners proceeded to shovel. about 1/3 of the mourners appeared to be too freaked out to participate. several were close friends, and became extremely involved in the process.

i stepped up and did my part. and it stays with you. physically being involved with the actual burial is something i've never experienced before. it has a finality that is unshakable. perhaps it is part of the mourning and grieving process - a catharsis of sorts. but it continues to haunt me. even now, several weeks after.

after the grave was filled, another psalm was recited, and due to the fact that it was the passover season, no funerary prayers were said. everyone was then free to depart. everyone gathered, visited, expressed condolences, and departed.

but i'm sure everyone that was there, has left touched and changed.

because i know you miss me.....

and because this is basically just awesome....
(requires sound, and may take some time to load...)

for sale, one cat, cheap....

the next time someone tells you animals are dumb, or unable to communicate - i have a story for you.

the players: cat & "owner". (or depending on your perspective it could be "god" & servant, or me & he who fills my food dish and caters to my every whim.)

the scene: basement, corner, litter box with plastic mat.

the play: a shakespearean epic. part comedy, part tragedy. mostly comedy. depends on your perspective.

the title: piss on that.

act i. scene i.

i head downstairs to check e-mail. the cat follows. i pass by the litter box, and keep going. the cat pauses, looks at the litter box, looks at me, meows dramatically. i look back.

"tomorrow, alright?" i say, "i'm tired. i'll clean it tomorrow."

"rowrrrrrrr" he replies.

"no. tomorrow." i answer firmly.

i get 'the look'.

act i. scene ii.

the cat enters the litter box. looks at me. looks at the litter box. meows. meows again to ensure he has my attention. keeps eye contact.

proceeds to pee. on the wall. on the plastic under the litter box. on the carpet just to the side of the plastic liner. maintains eye contact. hits everything within range, except the litter box he is standing in the middle of.

cats steps out of the litter box, shakes the dust off his paws, and with a disdainful glance back at me walks away tail held high in the air.

act ii. scene i.
i raise my fists in the air, and scream. cursing the gods. in anger i hurl profanities at the sky.

i proceed to clean the litter box.

curtain falls.


note: the cat is not actually for sale. i love my cats. they are family. however, if you are looking for something high maintenance to look after - i have a brother i'm willing to let go cheaply ;)

absence makes the heart grow fungus....

haven't had much to say. things are way to strange the last while. i find myself surrounded by illness and death.

i'm still struggling to recover from the acute gout attack. my doctor threw a massive prescription at it, and then extended it (and added another) when the swelling hadn't gone down after a week. a second week took care of most of it, however once i tapered off the prednesone, i've had some swelling come back. bad enough i could hardly walk on it yesterday.

on top of that, a good friend of mine is in town visiting one of his best friends who was recently diagnosed with brain cancer and given almost no time. only knew him as an acquaintance, but a nice guy. a good guy. about the same age. holy shit.

the kicker though was the 9am phone call this morning - where i found out my brother in-law's brother passed away yesterday. just turned 30.

stunned. that's all i can say.

i am totally fucking stunned.

down and out....

somehow the fun never seems to stop.

for about a week and a half i've been down with an acute case of gout that flared to fullness on the weekend. hobbled in to see my doctor and am on a new dose of medication, at home with my foot in the air, chained to work by my blackberry.

i will likely post when my thoughts become more than ow, ow, oww, ouch, ow, hobble, hobble, stub, wimper, ouch. owie.


on a side note: the rod stewart concert was pretty damn good. my favorite part was when he cut the second song about 2 lines in, started laughing, looked at the audience and said "sorry, i fucked up". restarted the song and off we went..... not sure if that's confidence, or the knowledge that he had all of our money in his pocket already.

a quick question....

what's better than concert tickets to see rod stewart?

free concert tickets to see rod stewart.

and i'm off to the concert. be thinking of you all. alone at home. reading this.

enough already....

i don't believe in burning bridges, but i'd be lying today if i said i didn't wish that i pissed gasoline and that i could shoot sparks when i snap my fingers.

knowledge is power....

having knowledge of something, does not necessarily give you power over it.

root of all evil....

they say all it takes is money. too bad i don't have any.

truth....

the fear of failing prevents me from beginning.

now, where was i......

i can't begin to tell you what things have been like lately, without sounding like a whiny broken record - especially about work. hence the lack of posts. combined with the lack of time. suffice it to say, i've had some indicators that this has not been my best week:

• like a sign from the devil, as i walked up the stairs toward the office today i found a little white tube sitting on a stair. i picked it up. i fondled it. i smelled it. i held it gently in a caress. i put it between my lips, closed my eyes, and inhaled. i imagined. i thought about lighting that fucker up. it's been 8 years since i last quit. i put it on a shelf above my desk and left it there. (actually, i forgot about it.)
  
• i required (yes, REQUIRED) a quad mocha from starbucks this morning. i actually spent $6 on a cup of coffee. yes, you got it.... four shots of espresso in a mochachino. it lasted less than 20 minutes in the cup. several hours in me :) :) :) :) :\ :\ :( :( :( :p :p :p
• laughing maniacally as i walk down the halls at work. often shortly after speaking to my manager - just as he's leaving the area. often for no real reason.
  
• spending more time with my department director than my family.
• massive projects with random deadlines and no resources (see... told you it would sound like a broken, whining record.....)
  

i've also been revamping another web-site in my spare time, and working on other interests.

however, i will leave you with a few reflections that relate to my last post:

• out of all the exchanges, the nurse got the last (and best shot in). as she was applying the dressing, she made the comment "guess what! you get a free ass wax."
• i felt like part of a sigfried and roy act when the packing came out - you pull, and pull, and pull... and it just kept coming.... all 6 feet of it. like magic.
  
• she was wrong. even after a week of taping dressings to my butt, it never got a full wax. hah! so there!
  
• the skin removed from the dressings was infinitely more painful than the incision. imagine a slightly painful x shaped incision surrounded by a square of scabbing skin and you'll know the good times you missed.
• life is funny. just as the back end starts to heal - i come down with a massive head cold.
  

yah, i know... time to spray lysol on your brain and scrub. take comfort in the fact that i will not be posting photos.

more later when i've recovered from the last two weeks of hell.