the problems in my head....

no... no voices. at least not yet. i've been in sort of a weird head-space lately. i guess that should be readily apparent by my asking okami to marry me - even though it was intended to be humourous, a joke, not only was it in poor taste - but there is something just so inherently and fundamentally wrong and odd about it that it is not only not funny, it's not funny.

i'm sitting here listening to iris by the goo goo dolls over and over and over as i type this.

i knocked some stuff under my desk over, and went to clean up the spill of paper - this is the area i keep my shoebox(es) in.... you know - shoebox. the spot where you keep odd scraps of memory. i opened them and sifted through a couple of items.

• 1990 concert ticket stubs for Depeche Mode - Violator.
• 1994 contert ticket stubs for the Eagles - When Hell Freezes Over tour.
  
• Ticket Stubs form the San Franciso Alcatraz tour a couple years ago.
• A couple pennies that were an in joke between an instructor and myself (my 2c worth. the 2 i have are American pennies as he was from chicago - his are Canadian of course.)
• An empty frame that used to contain a cherry stem tied in a knot. (since you must know, a friend of mine years ago - back in my college days, ate the cherry and tied the stem into a knot using only her tongue before taking it back out of her mouth and handing it to me. I've lost the stem, but the frame still puts a smile on my face.
  
• old cards from Christmases, graduation, and birthdays.
• old letters - Love letters, LOVE letters, fight letters, make-up letters, letters of discussion. Man I used to date a psycho bitch - I guess when someone's nickname for you is "My Little Boy" that should be a pretty good indication there's a problem, eh? (Can you top that one Joe?)

shit. my state of mind is out of joint enough that i'm capitalizing. and i'm too tired and lazy to fix it - fuck the stylistic at the moment.

I ran across two things - one was a scrap of something I had written - the other is a quote that i prefaced a journal with. they seem to fit my mood at the moment - so here they are.

I. I the Creator.
Holding in my head.
My hands. My words.
Untold worlds of limitless possibility.
Infinities of probability and choice.
In the beginning was.
My own image.
Or shall i be something new and untried.
How shall I begin.
And Where.

- messiah

"And this journal will be destroyed... must be destroyed. It is a poet's place to lay bare thoughts that others must deny even having, but poetry is dead and I soon will be and I refuse to leave these thoughts where prying eyes will find them. And yet I must write about it all or go mad."

- Dan Simmons
The Great Lover

ok.... i take that back - on second thought, they don't really fit my mood much. to be honest, i'm not really sure just what my mood is right now.

i think it may no longer be an option not to take some time for reflection. pondering. retrospection.

and maybe to burn some of those old, poisonous letters that i am no longer sure why i've held on to for 15 years.

goo goo dolls....

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

goo goo dolls
iris
from the album dizzy up the girl

true story....

I don't know how "true" this is, having received it by e-mail, but i thought it was worth a chuckle....

story from houston medical center:

a man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
according to the nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the
ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
i don't know what's worse:

1) having your girl friend find out that you're married.
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
or
3) finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tetris....

Japanese "Human" Tetris.... I wonder when the home game is being released?


Japanese Tetris

http://www.break.com/index/japanese-tetris.html

"

"we human beings need secrets," she thought, "as much as we deserve the truth."

- tom robbins, villa incognito.

insanity....

let's just say.... a little insanity is good sometimes.



How hot is it really? I started sneezing while it was in the microwave - due to the hot sauce in the air. I was able to eat the entire bag at a single sitting - but I'll admit it did make my nose run. Hot enough to be really enjoyable. Not so hot it was a bad experience.

expanded freeware list....

additional freeware i've picked up since my last post when i rebuilt my computer. (can be found under the 'freeware' label.)

audio player:

• XMPlay - they claim "Balls-on accurate. Plays the way nature intended." Nice player. Provides link to equivalent non-windows player. http://www.un4seen.com/
  

screen capture:

• FastStone screen capture - screen capture utility that allows editing, addition of text, boxes, labels, etc. http://www.faststone.org/FSCaptureDetail.htm

image viewing:

• FastStone image viewer - supports all major image formats, and good range of basic editing features. http://www.faststone.org/FSViewerDetail.htm

video conversion (between MPEG-MOV-PS3-MP4-iPOD-3gp/3g2-mobile phone-etc)

• MPEG Streamclip by Squared 5. Also available for Mac. http://www.squared5.com/svideo/mpeg-streamclip-win.html
• SUPER. i had to do a bit of work to get through all of their website to find the download section, but it was well worth the time (they do have a short list of what web settings need to be if you find yourself endlessly looping). http://www.erightsoft.net/SUPER.html

3d /2d cadd & drawing software

• SketchUp6. courtesy of Google. http://sketchup.google.com/download.html
  an interesting concept in 3d modelling software. easy to learn, easy to use. i was able to actually produce a finished drawing in about and hour and a half - less time than it took me to get through the first chapter of the last cadd package i tried to use. pretty feature rich, although the pro version has a few extra bells and whistles that most hobby users would never need. edit: i noticed later that i had listed this in my first freeware post, but think it's worth a re-mention, as i have gained a new appreciation for it having actually had some time to use it. it's now a highly useful tool to me, instead of just a cool free utility.

notepad replacement:

• notepad++ - a free notepad replacement tool. http://notepad-plus.sourceforge.net/uk/site.htm. i switched to notepadd++ from pspad as i find it has most of the same features, but seems to load much faster. for the basic editing i use it for, it was a gain in speed with no loss in features. your mileage may vary, and both are good programs.
  

mind mapping:

• freemind. this gets another mention because version 0.90 is available in beta. but they do warn it's not stable enough for full production. (like that ever stopped any geek i know...)

smitten....

there's a story here. but you've heard all you'll hear about it.



this post brought to you by the perverse smug sense of self-satisfaction that comes with posting something cryptic and vague that is full of secrets.

awareness.....

awareness. or perhaps more accurately a lack of aforementioned awareness. i begin to wonder if this is a root. the root. primary cause. the great mover and shaker of my life.

at one point in my now sad and trivial existence, things were not always so. i think the change came when i sold my soul. shelved freedom. creativity. challenges. and accepted in it's place the tedious drudgery that entails the provision of "the steady paycheque." i have traded one type of prison for a prison that is even worse.

they don't call it the grind for nothing.

at some point after trading creativity and freedom for a steady paycheque i started focusing on the wrong things. or perhaps this trade was the point of no return - for it seems to me now, although not at the time it occurred, that to trade one's soul in such a way is an indication that one has already focussed on the wrong things.

surely there must be a way to conquer the north american expectation. demand. design. that one lives to work. surely there must be a way to right the wrongs and restore the balance. to bring oneself back from the precipice. to work to live.

nay. not only to work to live. but to have a life. an understanding. a definition. and a harmony with that life.

ultimately this requires being in touch with yourself. knowing yourself. being comfortable with yourself. accepting yourself.

time. time and awareness.


----
Photo from: http://blog.7inspirations.com/author/phil/
Photo based on the original Creative Commons work “DSC09508.JPG” by net_efekt (license info..)

offensive....

i used the word penis on facebook today. my status reads "is wondering why spammers have obsessed about his penis."

i wonder if it will offend anyone.....

i wonder if anyone will agree there is something there to obsess about ;)

the sad reality....

somehow, it strikes me as sad, that when my official day ends at 4:30 pm, that i am only now returning home at 10:00 pm.

another fabulous project. another wonderful cluster fuck from hell.

nothing much to say....

i feel like i'm running out of time.

words are not enough.....

arm after the blood letting, er...
i mean blood tests.

feet of frodo. or, i used to have an
ankle on the right foot.

and i'll leave you with one parting thought.....
i'm tired of seeing the phrase "black, tarry stools" on the side effects list.

maybe words can be enough......

frustration....

these days i seem to measure the phases of my life by prescription and illness. it's getting frustrating. and i'm starting to lose my sense of humour over it all. especially when the tests all come back with indications that there is nothing major wrong.

so for those who are wondering how i've defined my life lately.... it starts with the major gout attack about 2 months back, and then continues in complications that seem to be related.

• gout attack
• swelling of the feat
• anemic, with extremely low blood count. seemingly caused by the drugs used to treat the gout.
• shortness of breath
• tiredness
  
• additional gout attack(s)
• continued anemia with a heavy iron supplement assisting in minor fashion
• unexplained serious swelling of the feet/legs for a long period of time. (this would be the latest.) possibly related to the arthritis. possibly related to the drug treatment(s).

test indicate nothing wrong - well, other than the anemia/iron deficiency. ecg says the heart is fine. x-rays say the lungs are clear, however they indicate a possible hiatus hernia. bloodwork rules out liver, kidneys, and thyroid. we'll skip the list of medications - it's not pretty.

monday will see ultrasound tests to make sure there are no clots or other complications in the legs. thursday will see an upper gi tract flouroscopy to find out if it is a hernia, and if there is internal bleeding.

i guess the doctor didn't see the humour when he asked if i knew what a hiatus hernia was, and i responded 'a hernia on a short leave?' oh well. he may be stymied, but at least he's worried.

with luck the reumatology clinic i'm scheduled for at the end of the month may have some answers.

really... that's all i want, is some answers. i'll be less whiny when i have some answers.

so for now, i'm stuck with my feet in the air, able to do nothing - feeling perfectly fine. other than looking like i stole frodo baggin's feet that is. with luck my life will become exciting as he drops by the house searching for them. maybe he'll bring gandolf (and whatever gandolf smokes to look so happy) with him.

i now return you to your much less depressing lives....

the weather.....

just an update to the insanity of weather we have. after the last major heavy snowfall we experienced not long ago - we have had a record setting storm. 72mm of rain fell in a 3 hour period. sure, that doesn't sound like much, until you realize the following 2 facts:

• the previous record was only about 35mm in a day.
• the average monthly rain fall for june is 79mm

add to that the additional 20mm that was received the next day (yesterday) and you'll understand the concern.

and what does that mean to me? 80 gallons of water in the basement. thankfully i managed to keep up on the bailing and experienced no flooding. others.... not so lucky.

here are some photos i received via e-mail from a friend of one of the major roadways in the city: glenmore trail (by the way, the first photo is of an overpass as indicated by the car trapped in it, not a bridge over a river)

remiss....

i must admit, i've been remiss with my posting schedule. truth be told, there's not a lot to tell. which is not the same as not a lot going on.

work is insane, but there's no point in bitching about it. i've decided i don't hate my job. but i am frustrated by it, and there are things that are suckage to the nth degree, but it's a job. were it not a job, it would be fun. okay, so i'm not doing something i love (insert little popping hearts and cornball soundtrack here) but i need to figure out what that is.

ok, so my job is keeping me from figuring that out. whatever - that's more than enough about work.

other things are busy - took a couple of turning courses. more about those will be posted.

continue to have health complications. gout continues to be a problem. gout medication has turned into a problem. i'm anemic enough i should be dead. ironically i'm often told i look like i am dead. due to this, i'm somewhat lethargic and apathetic except when my boss uses a cattle prod. the work boss - but enough about work. and enough about health.

so what to talk about then? there's always the weather......

i know, a week out of date, and already done by others, but i was speaking with a work acquaintance who lives in toronto, and it made the front page of the newspaper. the last time i remember that happening was almost 20 years ago - when we had a chinook in february. the photo that ran on the front pages was a group of people out playing baseball in shorts and t-shirts, in february, in 2 feet of snow.

you'll understand when you see the photos.

so... the scenario. a pleasant wednesday, mid-may heading toward the end of may. nice and warm - about 12*C (54F). look out the window about 1:30 headed for bed - and notice it's snowing. lightly. wake up the next morning (thursday) - to 8 inches of snow. heavy snow. ugly snow. lots of tree damage throughout the city. shake the trees. shovel the sidewalk and the car. head to work. return home 9 hours later - to green grass. friday we're back to 18*C (64F).

from the front door leaving for work

what used to be a 10 foot hedge
(now about 3 feet)

branch that used to be about 12 feet above the slide
in the park next door

closer photo of the same park
(same day - about 9 hours later)

arrived home from work

i guess you could call our weather a forecast of huh? with some occasional flurries of wtf?!

vista....

my opinion? run away screaming.

it's late, so i'm going to keep this short. it's not that i don't like vista. they've done some nice things. i like the new interface. some great features. but......

i tried upgrading my home system to vista this weekend. my home system is a p4 2.4ghz processor - about 4 years old. i have a gig of ram. the pre-install check told me it would install with most of the bells and whistles, an "experience" marker of 3.4 - same as my work machine. however the limitation at work is a shitty graphics card. the limitation at home is an older processor and a lack of ram.

yes - it makes a big difference. yes - sucks to be me.

if you don't have a new machine (core 2 duo) i would suggest waiting. if you have an n-vidia card, i would also suggest waiting (don't think they've ironed out all of their driver problems.) and speaking of problems - if you use a decent amount of software (that isn't made by microsoft) i would suggest holding off until they have a vista version.

which probably means upgrading to a new version. on top of upgrading your hardware.

after 3 days of random lockups. bsod's. and other assorted errors i can't name (tough when you turn your monitor on and your computer has locked up with no display) we're going home.

back to windows xp.

at least until i buy a new computer - then i'm left with no choice since they all ship with vista now.

that's progress, i guess.

haunted....

i find myself haunted. haunted by the funeral of someone i didn't know.

my brother-in-law's brother passed away last friday. although he and my sister have been together for many years, i don't believe i've ever met his brother. came close once, but something came up and he didn't make it to the family holiday dinner that round. from what i've heard, he was an extremely interesting man, and would have been someone to meet.

he had just turned 20.

but that's not what haunts me.

it was a jewish burial ceremony (yizkor). complicated because of the timing coinciding with passover. a simple coffin (not the one pictured above.) a large gathering of family and friends. recitation of the 23rd psalm in hebrew and english, recitation of the 1st psalm in hebrew and english, some words from the rabbi, remembrances by two friends, and then by the immediate family (sister, mother, brother). after this the 'community' who had gathered to mourn was asked to follow behind the casket on foot to the burial location.

the grave, is filled. by hand. as part of the ceremony.

unlike all of the nice detached christian based funerals i've gone too where the man of god says a few words, you symbolically scatter a small handful of dirt on the coffin, and everyone goes away while they typically lower and fill the grave afterwards. or at least variations on this.

not so here.

and just to add some perspective, other than the rabbi and the immediate family (3 people) - the rest of the approximately 130 attendees were gentiles.

6 shovels. the community of mourners is requested to help fill the grave. the shovels are not passed from hand to hand, but layed down and picked up again. the coffin was lowered. the mourners proceeded to shovel. about 1/3 of the mourners appeared to be too freaked out to participate. several were close friends, and became extremely involved in the process.

i stepped up and did my part. and it stays with you. physically being involved with the actual burial is something i've never experienced before. it has a finality that is unshakable. perhaps it is part of the mourning and grieving process - a catharsis of sorts. but it continues to haunt me. even now, several weeks after.

after the grave was filled, another psalm was recited, and due to the fact that it was the passover season, no funerary prayers were said. everyone was then free to depart. everyone gathered, visited, expressed condolences, and departed.

but i'm sure everyone that was there, has left touched and changed.

because i know you miss me.....

and because this is basically just awesome....
(requires sound, and may take some time to load...)

for sale, one cat, cheap....

the next time someone tells you animals are dumb, or unable to communicate - i have a story for you.

the players: cat & "owner". (or depending on your perspective it could be "god" & servant, or me & he who fills my food dish and caters to my every whim.)

the scene: basement, corner, litter box with plastic mat.

the play: a shakespearean epic. part comedy, part tragedy. mostly comedy. depends on your perspective.

the title: piss on that.

act i. scene i.

i head downstairs to check e-mail. the cat follows. i pass by the litter box, and keep going. the cat pauses, looks at the litter box, looks at me, meows dramatically. i look back.

"tomorrow, alright?" i say, "i'm tired. i'll clean it tomorrow."

"rowrrrrrrr" he replies.

"no. tomorrow." i answer firmly.

i get 'the look'.

act i. scene ii.

the cat enters the litter box. looks at me. looks at the litter box. meows. meows again to ensure he has my attention. keeps eye contact.

proceeds to pee. on the wall. on the plastic under the litter box. on the carpet just to the side of the plastic liner. maintains eye contact. hits everything within range, except the litter box he is standing in the middle of.

cats steps out of the litter box, shakes the dust off his paws, and with a disdainful glance back at me walks away tail held high in the air.

act ii. scene i.
i raise my fists in the air, and scream. cursing the gods. in anger i hurl profanities at the sky.

i proceed to clean the litter box.

curtain falls.


note: the cat is not actually for sale. i love my cats. they are family. however, if you are looking for something high maintenance to look after - i have a brother i'm willing to let go cheaply ;)